First of all, let me just say how much I really despise the term 'single mum'. Perhaps it's because it's so overused or maybe it's because to me it conjures an image of a grotty, foul-mouthed hard-drinking bogan (white trash to non-Australians) yelling at a snotty, barefoot child with filthy feet.
Ugh. Filthy feet.
Anyway, I really don't like the term and for many years refused to use it entirely. If I had to refer to myself as being without a partner and with a child, I preferred to use the term 'sole parent'. Even that sounds a bit wanky though. Generally I just avoided labelling myself unless asked, and then I would mumble something incoherently along the lines of 'yes I'm on my own'.
Frankly I was embarrassed and didn't want people to judge or label me without getting to know me first.
What amazes me is the reactions from people when they DO find out I'm on my own raising my son. Those that had taken the time to know me were so surprised! I mean, I have a pretty good job, I make a decent income, I live in a nice place, rarely drink, dress reasonably well and gasp! My child is clean, fed and clothed. And wears shoes.
And we speak proper English...mostly.
They are so full of admiration and 'I don't know how you do it'. And whilst it's nice to hear, I do not want to be held up as some shining example of how to 'do' single motherhood right. I'm just doing what I do the best I can, like everyone else.
However you could see for most of those that didn't know me that immediately I was put into a little box labelled 'single mother' and either dismissed entirely as a second-class citizen or seen as some kind of husband-stealing hussy.
I must admit things have gotten easier as E has gotten older. Sadly our society's divorce rate is high and therefore many of those who used to stand in judgement have now found themselves in similar circumstances, which funnily enough changes their attitudes pretty quickly! But as I was on my own from the beginning, I was a rarety and had to develop a really thick skin to let the patronising glares and downright rude and dismissive attitudes roll off me. It was tough. Going to ante-natal classes with my sister, I either received glares for being on my own and pregnant, or glares because they assumed my sister was my same-sex partner. Either way, judgement abounded.
I'm a single mum for the same reason as I suspect the majority are - circumstance. I don't think there'd be many people out there who wouldn't choose a happy marriage to raise a child as their first option, however life doesn't always work out perfectly and the choices we make when thrown a curveball either make us or break us.
I guess I chose to make me, and it's honestly been the best, hardest, funnest, saddest thing I've ever done in my life. As cliched as it might sound, E has probably taught me more about myself than I've taught him. I was a marshmallow who cared far too much what people thought. Having endured the judgements and criticisms of my 'lifestyle', and having my axis tilted by this tiny being who suddenly became the centre of my universe, I quickly learned to toughen up, put things into perspective and endless patience.
Pretty much like most mums, married or not.
I've met a bunch of fellow single mums over the years and funnily enough, most don't just sit around and feed their pensions through the pokies whilst their kids sit in the car. Most of us have pride in the fact that we're raising articulate, educated children, just in an environment with one parent instead of two. The only difference being is that we're not allowed to fall down, because no-one is there to pick us up. It's a luxury that we cannot afford.
My point being?
Next time you meet a single mum, get to know her and THEN judge her! If you don't like her, then fine, but you may just have just met a fantastic person and you'll never know it if you make a snap judgement based on the fact that she's single. All it means is that she's doing a really important job without a lot of backup.
And I really, really promise not to steal your husband.
I would love to hear any opinions or stories from you, whether you're partnered or single! We've all been judged and it sucks, so let me know what you do to let it roll off.
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xx
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