Letter to my future self

Dear Really Old Me

A few months ago I started this blog and one of the first things I did was write a letter to our 16 year old self, the lost little soul that she/I/you was.

I advised her to stop letting fear hold her back, to not be afraid of just being her/we/us, and to stand up for herself. I also told her to go put on her black eyeliner and weird clothes, so if you disagree with this then we're gonna have some problems. Hopefully you'll still be the same cool, non-judgemental person who embraces the individual even though you're like, really, really old. I would be disappointed if you weren't still rocking the cats-eye on occasion, even if it might be a little wonky.

Then I thought I really wanted to capture the present and leave a legacy for future me (ie. you) to read one day when you might have eventually grown up (but of course, not, never old).

So it's 2012 and Elijah is turning 12 in July. Weird huh? To me it seems like yesterday that he was so little he would curl up on my chest like a koala but you're probably looking at a grown man who hopefully has grown up to be the amazing adult I catch glimpses of today. If not, then you can probably blame me for that. My bad.

So it's May 2012 and we're just about to pack up our lives and move to Toowoomba, do you remember that? I know that it's going to be an amazing decision and we're really excited about the new house/job/life we're going to create. I know you know how it all turns out, but don't tell...I am looking forward to the surprise.

Do you remember how I/we felt right now? That whole sense of being on the precipice of change, about to take a giant leap of faith and that anything could happen? The dread at the thought of having to pack/clean/move and the tiny, tiny but persistent sensation of fear that we might be making the wrong decision? What am I thinking, leaving a secure job of 7 years and a lovely place in Brisbane where I've spent more than half my life to up-sticks and move to somewhere I've never lived, where I know exactly one person? Am I insane?

I know you also know the answer to that one but keep it to yourself - I have a medical check coming up in less than 2 weeks and would like to be able to truthfully say I do not and have never required electromagnetic shock therapy.

For the last 20 days I've been doing a Happiness Challenge - do you remember that? I hope you do and that the lessons I and therefore you have learned over the past few weeks have been life-long. So much has happened in the last couple of weeks that just may be coincidental but somehow I think the timing has dovetailed nicely - my pursuit of happiness has suddenly snowballed into all these new actions that have gained a momentum all of their own. And whilst it's scary, is really exciting as well. I hope this letter finds future me to still be taking risks, going outside your comfort zone and being a rocking grandma who's still got it.

I would like to ask you if you/I ever master how to light a fire, as I really think this might be a necessary skill to add to our arsenal. And how the changes I'm making ultimately change our life course. But I guess I'll have to be patient and find out for myself, and hope I don't get burnt!

So life at the moment is pretty damned good. The world at large is obsessed with Ipads and smart phones and wireless technology which seem so cool to us but no doubt makes you laugh at our antiquated technology much as we currently do at the humble typewriter. Facebook has ruled our lives for several years now. The news is full of the latest federal budget and cost of living and trying to get our economy back to surplus after the GFC. We have our first female prime minister who sadly is more of a national joke than a leader, and I truly hope that in the future this won't deter smart, strong women from taking on leadership roles, nor the rest of us for voting for them. I'd hate to think at your age that you still haven't seen a second woman in the top job.

The Hunger Games is currently the new 'big thing', the movie is breaking all kinds of records and everyone is anxiously awaiting the second movie (and third). I/you are obsessed with our Kindle and have read all of the books three times and are about to go back for a fourth viewing. The Voice (Australian version) has been kicking ass with the ratings in its first season and Elijah and I have made this our 'thing' where we watch together and play judges. We also saw dad the other night who had to rush off to watch it too, so right now it's really nice to have a cool, fun show that transcends all age barriers...

At the time of writing this, Flo Rida's Whistle is top of the charts, which really isn't anything for 2012 to be proud of. One Direction have recently re-created 'Beatlemania' in Australia with their tour which is kind of creepy because they really, really look like little kids, even though most are over 18. Or is that me getting older? You'd probably slap me for that as clearly you're much older than me. But there is something seriously wrong with women in their 20s salivating over a bloke who may be over the age of consent but genuinely looks about 14.

So Cathy and I and a bunch of others are planning a trip to New York next year for our combined 40th birthdays which I'll be madly saving up for when I hit Toowoomba. This will all be old news to you but do you remember how exciting it is to be planning our first overseas trip as an adult? I hope you, future me, have made your way around the globe a bunch of times by now as that's something the younger me should have done when you/she/me was still young enough to think it's cool to stay in crap places without decent amenities.

So future me, I hope this letter finds you in good health with a filthy sense of humour and not wearing some sort of futuristic shiny silver suit like in the movies. Just because we're moving forward and making new discoveries every day doesn't mean you're allowed to throw good taste completely out of the window. I promise to start taking better care of present me to give you the opportunity to enjoy all the good things and to put the life lessons I/we are learning every day into practice.

Stay cool. I'd say see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya, but that would be difficult, under the circumstances.

Love, present me (aka you).

xx

On being a single mother. Dispelling the myth.

First of all, let me just say how much I really despise the term 'single mum'. Perhaps it's because it's so overused or maybe it's because to me it conjures an image of a grotty, foul-mouthed hard-drinking bogan (white trash to non-Australians) yelling at a snotty, barefoot child with filthy feet.

Ugh. Filthy feet.

Anyway, I really don't like the term and for many years refused to use it entirely. If I had to refer to myself as being without a partner and with a child, I preferred to use the term 'sole parent'. Even that sounds a bit wanky though. Generally I just avoided labelling myself unless asked, and then I would mumble something incoherently along the lines of 'yes I'm on my own'.

Frankly I was embarrassed and didn't want people to judge or label me without getting to know me first.

What amazes me is the reactions from people when they DO find out I'm on my own raising my son. Those that had taken the time to know me were so surprised! I mean, I have a pretty good job, I make a decent income, I live in a nice place, rarely drink, dress reasonably well and gasp! My child is clean, fed and clothed. And wears shoes.

And we speak proper English...mostly.

They are so full of admiration and 'I don't know how you do it'. And whilst it's nice to hear, I do not want to be held up as some shining example of how to 'do' single motherhood right. I'm just doing what I do the best I can, like everyone else.

However you could see for most of those that didn't know me that immediately I was put into a little box labelled 'single mother' and either dismissed entirely as a second-class citizen or seen as some kind of husband-stealing hussy.

I must admit things have gotten easier as E has gotten older. Sadly our society's divorce rate is high and therefore many of those who used to stand in judgement have now found themselves in similar circumstances, which funnily enough changes their attitudes pretty quickly! But as I was on my own from the beginning, I was a rarety and had to develop a really thick skin to let the patronising glares and downright rude and dismissive attitudes roll off me. It was tough. Going to ante-natal classes with my sister, I either received glares for being on my own and pregnant, or glares because they assumed my sister was my same-sex partner. Either way, judgement abounded.

I'm a single mum for the same reason as I suspect the majority are - circumstance. I don't think there'd be many people out there who wouldn't choose a happy marriage to raise a child as their first option, however life doesn't always work out perfectly and the choices we make when thrown a curveball either make us or break us.

I guess I chose to make me, and it's honestly been the best, hardest, funnest, saddest thing I've ever done in my life. As cliched as it might sound, E has probably taught me more about myself than I've taught him. I was a marshmallow who cared far too much what people thought. Having endured the judgements and criticisms of my 'lifestyle', and having my axis tilted by this tiny being who suddenly became the centre of my universe, I quickly learned to toughen up, put things into perspective and endless patience.

Pretty much like most mums, married or not.

I've met a bunch of fellow single mums over the years and funnily enough, most don't just sit around and feed their pensions through the pokies whilst their kids sit in the car. Most of us have pride in the fact that we're raising articulate, educated children, just in an environment with one parent instead of two. The only difference being is that we're not allowed to fall down, because no-one is there to pick us up. It's a luxury that we cannot afford.

My point being?

Next time you meet a single mum, get to know her and THEN judge her! If you don't like her, then fine, but you may just have just met a fantastic person and you'll never know it if you make a snap judgement based on the fact that she's single. All it means is that she's doing a really important job without a lot of backup.

And I really, really promise not to steal your husband.

I would love to hear any opinions or stories from you, whether you're partnered or single! We've all been judged and it sucks, so let me know what you do to let it roll off.

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xx

Bec's rant of the day...what has happened to sisterhood in motherhood?

I was reading one of my favourite blogs where she directed us to a controversial article that is currently making the rounds in the US. It's called the Modern Motherhood Conflict, and wow. This woman takes potshots at stay-at-home mums ('they have lost their minds') and likens the movement back towards natural parenting as turning the female back into an 'animal'.

The really disappointing thing is the author, Elisabeth Badinter, has a couple of really good points in the article but her controversial stances on select subjects have raised the ire of mothers everywhere which means anything sensible that she does say is diluted by the idiotic comments she peppers throughout the interview.

Her main points:

• Any gains made throughout the last 100 years that have allowed women to be more independent have been set back through the movement back to more natural forms of parenting
• Women are losing themselves in their children and then what? They grow up, move out, and women are left unskilled and unemployable
• Children benefit from learning how to get along without their mothers, therefore it is good for women to work outside of the home
• Breastfeeding puts the father completely aside, turns women into animals and formula is almost as good as breastmilk. Women shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not breastfeeding
• Women should not give up their identity when they become mothers

I was left at the end of this interview thinking, what ever happened to sisterhood?

It was a shame as some of this really resonated and made sense. The best advice I received was to be Bec first, mother second. You put yourself second, third, last so often and so automatically that it can be easy to get lose sight of yourself, particularly when sleep deprived. This advice in my opinion is really valid and so important for a mother's sanity. Taking just a few minutes of me-time in whatever form works for you (mine was a shower) helps you feel human, calms your emotions and really does make you a more positive parent.

I also agreed with women losing focus on their careers for extended periods of time. No-one knows what will happen in their lives, and I have seen women affected by divorce, death or illness that suddenly find themselves breadwinners and have no discernable skills apart from keeping a great house.

I am not disparaging stay-at-home mums in any way, yes they have many skills, but are they easily transferrable and recognisable in what is becoming a more competitive work environment during this period of rising unemployment? Technology changes in a whisper so skills from 5-10 years ago simply may not be enough to convince the employer you're up to the task.

I also struggled very much with breastfeeding, despite trying for months, and eventually my son rejected me entirely for a bottle filled with breastmilk. And yes, I did feel somewhat like a cow having to use the dreaded breast pump all the time. This doesn't mean that I'm not still an advocate of breastfeeding, all evidence points towards the the fact that it is absolutely the best start you can give your baby. However having been on the receiving end of glaring disapproval from staunch breastfeeders (who had no idea what I'd been through) when I pulled out a bottle, I do agree there should be more support for choice. The way she attacked breastfeeding proponents was, however, so over the top that it was hard to even see her point.

I pretty much disagree, and quite violently, with almost every other word coming out of this woman's mouth. She might think that natural parenting sets us back 100 years, but I feel her comments are setting the women's movement back 100 years.

Feminism to me, means giving women CHOICE. Choice whether or not to have children, choice whether or not to work, to breastfeed, parent and unlimited choice of career and equality despite your gender. Elizabeth's scathing attack on stay-at-home-mums and those who subscribe to natural parenting disparages this choice. I personally had to work for financial reasons, however I am completely envious of those who have the choice to work or not work. Choice being the operative word.

I have said on so many occasions on this blog that I adore my friends because they are supportive, uplifting and positive influences on my life. This is as it should be! Why do women persist in tearing each other down when we should be standing together? I find it terribly said that we criticise each other endlessly for working, not working, using cloth nappies or disposables, doing this, doing that...where does it end?

Elizabeth's attack on stay-at-home-mums is just as bad in my opinion as criticism for working mothers. When we all accept that we all have different parenting styles, different kids and different lives, and that provided our children are happy and healthy, our acceptance of each other's choices is what will drive us forward. Tearing each other down is what sets us back, not breastfeeding.

Whew. There's my rant for the day. What do you think? Do you agree with anything Elizabeth says or did the blood boiling in your veins make you not read past paragraph 1?

xx