On being socially awkward.

I grew up shy. I mean, cripplingly shy. I mean, the kid-who-hid-behind-their-mother's-skirts shy. As in, I-was-dumped-more-than-once-for-not-being-able-to-look-my-boyfriend-in-the-eye-or-barely-speak-to-him shy. I was actually dumped once for the reason that I never said my boyfriend's name. Ever. True story.

People who know me rarely believe me. I am friendly, smiley and 'appear' to be gregarious and outgoing. And for many years I planned parties and events for a living (I give a kickass party). I was a dancer as a kid and performed onstage a bazillion times. I have no issues with public speaking (I'd much rather address a crowd of hundreds than 20). I was one of those kids whose mothers forced them to recite poetry onstage at eisteddfods. I have heaps of trophies that show I didn't totally suck at it. I was a drama queen.

And then, as a teenager, I somehow managed to give off the aura of 'mysterious' rather than socially awkward (lucky I was somewhat cute) and then as a young adult I discovered the joys of alcohol, which enabled me to simply BE outgoing cause I was simply too drunk to care.

I'm an enigma, even to myself. In all the personality testing I've done, I am what is known as an 'extroverted introvert' and whilst I have learned great people skills over the years, inside I can still thoroughly feel like the shy girl of my childhood.

I think that being socially awkward for me probably stemmed from my all-consuming need to fit in, to the point where I was almost scared to open my mouth in case I said something that other people thought was stupid and shunned me. I envied everyone else because I thought they had it all sorted. I think I gravitated to Cathy the housewife because she was just so...HERSELF. She said what she wanted when she wanted and damn the consequences. Still does. It's what I love most about her. I admired that so much and I guess to some extent 'hid' behind her for many years. We fit together beautifully I guess because I never had any desire to compete for centre-of-attention but was happy to be just beside, inside the action.

That's why I'm the party planner. If you've got stuff to do at events, you can easily move around looking purposeful instead of standing awkwardly like a shag on a rock or trying to make conversation with strangers. See, there's a method in my madness!

I remember talking to Cathy once and asking her if she ever felt like she was 'outside, looking in', as I've felt so many times in my life. Always THERE, but never quite feeling like I fit. I had a pathological fear of missing out on something and therefore went to every damned social gathering, just so I wouldn't. I remember going out four days after getting my tonsils out, for God's sake! I also vividly remember Cathy's response that no, she always felt like she was inside, sometimes dying to get out, because everyone always wanted a piece of her.

I guess opposites really do attract, but her statement really hit home that I seriously was socially awkward!

As I've grown older, and stopped caring so much about what other people think, I've definitely felt the lessening of my shyness. However I still feel socially awkward quite a lot.

One great thing about getting older is that you realise though, that many others are just as bad off, if not worse than me.

I remember many years back a friend of mine was asked to be a bridesmaid - I mean, she'd introduced the couple! She said no, because the thought of having to walk down an aisle while everyone stared at her gave her the willies so much that she pretty much worked herself into a nervous breakdown. I remember that I simply couldn't understand this and thought it was really selfish of her. Time and maturity allows me to understand her a little better, although I still think that she should have sucked it up on behalf of her friend.

I mean, I'd rather not be someone's bridesmaid, but that's more to do with not wanting to ruin a friendship with a bridezilla tantrum and my deep seated belief that no woman over 30 should be forced into hideous matching dresses. And having to hold up the bride's dress while she pees totally sucks.

Although I have used lame-o excuses on more than one occasion to get myself out of social events, I will admit. Mainly because it can be really, really exhausting for someone as socially awkward as me.

There are some times though, when I think it's really important to just suck it up. Cathy recently had her 40th and I'll be honest, this caused me a little bit of anxiety. I knew I wouldn't know many people there and that I would have to put on my most fabulous 'social mask' to cover it up.

But it never occurred to me to not go. I mean firstly, pretty much everyone Cathy associates with, despite walking with many crowds, is unanimously cool, down to earth and non-judgemental. And secondly I really wanted to be there for my oldest friend on her big day. I wouldn't have been anywhere else! So it was pretty easy to suck it up (the Veuve Cliquot eased the pain somewhat!) because I knew if I did, it would be well worth it.

And so it was...one of the best nights I've had in ages, and I established and re-established some great friendships along the way.

It has occurred to me that shyness is a form of selfishness, that you become so caught up in your own shit that you think the world revolves around you. I mean, take the bridesmaid example...is anyone really looking at you? I remember walking down the aisle at my sister's wedding as her maid of honour and everyone simply looking over my head and past me to get a glimpse of the bride. I was pretty much invisible, although that probably had a lot to do with the fact that we were pretty much the only wedding party in the early 90s that weren't wearing repulsive taffeta and nary a bow in sight.

I realised that I've become pretty reclusive since I moved to Toowoomba which I didn't mind at all...I value my time to myself and can thoroughly enjoy spending time at home. But lately I've realised that I've probably gone too much over to the 'dark side' and probably need to get out more. So socially awkward or not...Toowoomba social scene (is than an oxymoron?), I'm coming for you.

Wish me luck.

Bec xx

Who did it better?

I just realised that Gillard wasn't so much pointing as doing her best REDRUM impression a la The Shining.

The kid did it better though. Maybe it's the sandwich. Better luck next time, Gillard.

Bec xx

Girl power vs...no power?

I just opened the news website this morning to read that Margaret Thatcher has passed away.

RIP to the Iron Lady.

Without a doubt, Ms Thatcher revolutionised not just the UK but 'girl power' worldwide. Despite living halfway across the world (and I might be showing my age here), I grew up knowing without a doubt that girls could do ANYTHING, I mean look at the scary lady who runs Britain (and I didn't mean the Queen).

In spite of the hair and the scary demeanour, Margaret Thatcher represented an unparallelled role model for young girls. It didn't matter what side of the fence you were, politics-wise, it cannot be argued that she was one of the most defining and influential leaders across the world in, like, ever.

As the first female Prime Minister of Great Britain, she has changed history. As a strong leader, she has changed it even more. Fiesty, 'dangerously opinionated' and stubborn as hell, you can't help but admire her.

Funnily enough, she despised women's lib however somehow WAS the true definition of what it should be.

She has left a legacy that will last more than my lifetime, and this from someone who really couldn't give a rats ass about politics, let alone politics from another country.

My favourite Thatcherism, which I think embodies her strength of character, determination and frankly, no-bullshit approach:

"To those waiting with bated breath for that favourite media catchphrase, the U-turn, I have only one thing to say, you turn if you want to. The lady's not for turning" - Speech at Conservative Party conference, 1980

And this, as quoted by Tory MP Julian Critchley in 1982:

"She cannot see an institution without hitting it with her handbag"

She was a rockstar.

So let's contrast her with another (ahem) female leader - the Australian PM Julia Gillard.

Thatcher: never lost an election.

Julia: technically never won one, having tricked her way into power. I mean, let's face it, she's only there cause she knifed her predecessor and climbed over his twitching carcass to secede him, and then 'negotiated' her way into her next term. I say negotiated, as basically she lied her ass off and told the decision-making guys whatever they wanted to hear so they'd pick her. Then she systematically reneged on pretty much everything so that just recently, those same decision-making guys have now pulled their support from her.

Thatcher: love her or hate her, she was her own woman with her own opinions and couldn't be swayed in a hurricane.

Julia: a puppet who says and does what she is told.

Just the other day, I read that Julia has now earned the title of 'Worst PM in Australian History'. Along with 'hopelessly incompetent moron' and my personal favourite, 'pathologically dishonest harpy'.

Way harsh. But unfortunately true.

Look Thatcher had her detractors. But even those detractors had to give her kudos for her guts and ability to make things happen.

Gillard, on the other hand, hasn't managed to accomplish squat except some pretty fancy footwork in dodging basically every single promise she's ever made, and of course, gaining her doctorate in 'how to answer a question without actually answering shit and how to lie like a rug'.

And frankly, as a woman, it's embarrassing.

And I'm angry.

I'm furious at her because she's now set feminism back a bazillion years and likely ruined the chances of any decent female candidate forever, or at least until the bad taste is out of our mouths from this one. Yeah, forever.

She also forever gets the title of First Woman PM.

It's a travesty. The woman who made a mockery of the entire politicial institution of our country not only stealing the title from a worthy candidate, but now ruining the chances of any worthy candidate forevermore.

What makes me even more angry is that I realise I've just written a dissertation on politics and feminism...WTF!!!!!

At least they have something in common: the scary demeanour and even more frightening hair, plus their penchant for finger pointing. So maybe there's hope.

Bwahahahaha.

Bec xx

That awkward moment when...

You notice ants on your desk and then realise that they're coming from the water jug you've been drinking from all morning...

Gag.

Bec xx

Coffee, tea or...?

So it is clear that just like being a dog person versus being a weird-ass freak cat person, so too you're either a coffee person or a weird-ass freak tea person. And never the twain shall meet.

I'll give you three guesses which one I am.

Fill up the sink and give me a straw, baby.

I don't get tea. I mean, you're drinking a few leaves mixed with hot water. I mean, what?

I can't stand the taste of tea. One whiff of chai triggers my gag reflex, and Earl Grey? Ugh. Just ugh.

The only exceptions to the rule are green tea, which really shouldn't even be classified as tea, as it actually doesn't taste like tea. The other exception is those yummy 'Fruit Infusions' which once again isn't even a distant cousin of the tea family, it's basically just fruit flavoured water. Not a bad option when even I have exceeded human consumption of my preferred caffeine-laden beverages.

So you may have gathered I'm a little partial to my coffee. From my first travel mug served bedside by my personal barista (aka my son) upon waking, through to enjoying the 'fruits' of the local travelling coffee van, standing between me and my coffee really isn't your brightest move.

Imagine my dismay, then, upon discovering that the two people who share my work cubicle sit firmly on the tea drinking side of the fence.  Oh the horror!

And they just don't get it. I mean, just really don't get it.



The 'stash'



Quote of the day from this morning upon jumping up from my desk after receiving the anxiously awaited 'ding' on my phone, advising the van was heading inside the gates and I was only moments away from my precious elixir:

'Behold! We're in the presence of an addict here...it's both funny and quite sad, all at the same time'

OK, so I HAD just sculled the last of my from-home travel mug to make room for the new one, but that's normal right? And I had also simultaneously been consuming a Nespresso coffee in my favourite mug.

Totally normal right?

I keep telling myself that as I race towards the carpark towards the van...and my daily coffee mates then totally reinforced what is the complete truth: my cubicle-mates slash weird-ass freaky tea drinkers are the strange ones.

Of course they are.

By the way, my mug says 'Chaos, Panic, Disorder. My work is done here'. Without caffeine this would be impossible.

Bec xx

Rant of the day: the older I get the more I realise people suck.

OK so here's a warning: I've got my bitch on today.

Yeah, it hasn't happened for awhile as lately I've been my awesomely positive, delightful self, charming everyone in my wake. Truly.

Seriously though, I've been pretty happy lately and have so many wonderful things to write but then there comes a day when everything gets on your tits.

It was inevitable, really.

And so I need to vent.

Apologies in advance for anything that I say that may offend...oh hell, if you're reading this you're clearly not easily offended so scrap this whole sentence.

So here 'tis my Rant of the Day (patent pending):

People suck. I mean seriously.

Its struck me for some time that there are some people in this world who seriously don't have enough to do. I mean, sorry people, my life is too full and I have too much on my plate to worry about what everyone else is doing. Its called a LIFE (yes I actually, truly do have one dad).

There are so many examples I could list here except no-one from work who may be reading this would ever speak to me again. Then again, anyone from work who is reading this must be pretty darn cool so you aren't on my radar.

Who is on my radar are those asshats fun police whose mission in life appears to try to ruin everyone else's day for the most minor of things that a NORMAL person wouldn't even give two craps about.  Or even notice. Or give two craps if they did...oops I already said that. You get the picture.

There's one in every crowd. In fact, they seem to be multiplying.

So while I'm just trying to do my job, I suggest you get on with yours.

And if you've got a problem, then you'll find I'm a pretty reasonable person to speak to about it. ie. TO MY FACE. My face, people. You may actually find out whatever you perceived I was doing wrong actually wasn't because it was simply carrying out orders of someone else. You know, for my JOB.

Going behind someone's back to try to stick the knife in puts you firmly on my asshat radar, and in this case backfired spectacularly. Karma, baby.

So even as I'm trying to rant, I'm obliged to point out that being nice to people actually worked in my favour this time, with YOU being taken down a peg or two from someone who has my back. As I said, karma.

So I should rephrase: a lot of people suck. Not everyone. But a lot.

Why is it that you can be having a great day until someone brings you down with a giant thud that then pays itself forward with you then having to try hard to not snap at everyone who has the misfortune of crossing your path? And then having to work extra hard to try to get back your equilibrium to once again resume charming the pants of everyone you meet (hey it's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it).

So sucky people, and you know who you are, get over it. There's no charge for being nice and if it makes you feel good to ruin someone else's day for no reason whatsoever, then that says more about you than it does about me. And not in a good way.

Get a life. And stay the hell out of mine.

Rant over.

(I feel better now).

Bec xx