People who know me rarely believe me. I am friendly, smiley and 'appear' to be gregarious and outgoing. And for many years I planned parties and events for a living (I give a kickass party). I was a dancer as a kid and performed onstage a bazillion times. I have no issues with public speaking (I'd much rather address a crowd of hundreds than 20). I was one of those kids whose mothers forced them to recite poetry onstage at eisteddfods. I have heaps of trophies that show I didn't totally suck at it. I was a drama queen.And then, as a teenager, I somehow managed to give off the aura of 'mysterious' rather than socially awkward (lucky I was somewhat cute) and then as a young adult I discovered the joys of alcohol, which enabled me to simply BE outgoing cause I was simply too drunk to care.
I'm an enigma, even to myself. In all the personality testing I've done, I am what is known as an 'extroverted introvert' and whilst I have learned great people skills over the years, inside I can still thoroughly feel like the shy girl of my childhood.
I think that being socially awkward for me probably stemmed from my all-consuming need to fit in, to the point where I was almost scared to open my mouth in case I said something that other people thought was stupid and shunned me. I envied everyone else because I thought they had it all sorted. I think I gravitated to Cathy the housewife because she was just so...HERSELF. She said what she wanted when she wanted and damn the consequences. Still does. It's what I love most about her. I admired that so much and I guess to some extent 'hid' behind her for many years. We fit together beautifully I guess because I never had any desire to compete for centre-of-attention but was happy to be just beside, inside the action.
That's why I'm the party planner. If you've got stuff to do at events, you can easily move around looking purposeful instead of standing awkwardly like a shag on a rock or trying to make conversation with strangers. See, there's a method in my madness!
I remember talking to Cathy once and asking her if she ever felt like she was 'outside, looking in', as I've felt so many times in my life. Always THERE, but never quite feeling like I fit. I had a pathological fear of missing out on something and therefore went to every damned social gathering, just so I wouldn't. I remember going out four days after getting my tonsils out, for God's sake! I also vividly remember Cathy's response that no, she always felt like she was inside, sometimes dying to get out, because everyone always wanted a piece of her.
I guess opposites really do attract, but her statement really hit home that I seriously was socially awkward!
As I've grown older, and stopped caring so much about what other people think, I've definitely felt the lessening of my shyness. However I still feel socially awkward quite a lot.
One great thing about getting older is that you realise though, that many others are just as bad off, if not worse than me.
I remember many years back a friend of mine was asked to be a bridesmaid - I mean, she'd introduced the couple! She said no, because the thought of having to walk down an aisle while everyone stared at her gave her the willies so much that she pretty much worked herself into a nervous breakdown. I remember that I simply couldn't understand this and thought it was really selfish of her. Time and maturity allows me to understand her a little better, although I still think that she should have sucked it up on behalf of her friend.
I mean, I'd rather not be someone's bridesmaid, but that's more to do with not wanting to ruin a friendship with a bridezilla tantrum and my deep seated belief that no woman over 30 should be forced into hideous matching dresses. And having to hold up the bride's dress while she pees totally sucks.
Although I have used lame-o excuses on more than one occasion to get myself out of social events, I will admit. Mainly because it can be really, really exhausting for someone as socially awkward as me.
There are some times though, when I think it's really important to just suck it up. Cathy recently had her 40th and I'll be honest, this caused me a little bit of anxiety. I knew I wouldn't know many people there and that I would have to put on my most fabulous 'social mask' to cover it up.
But it never occurred to me to not go. I mean firstly, pretty much everyone Cathy associates with, despite walking with many crowds, is unanimously cool, down to earth and non-judgemental. And secondly I really wanted to be there for my oldest friend on her big day. I wouldn't have been anywhere else! So it was pretty easy to suck it up (the Veuve Cliquot eased the pain somewhat!) because I knew if I did, it would be well worth it.
And so it was...one of the best nights I've had in ages, and I established and re-established some great friendships along the way.
It has occurred to me that shyness is a form of selfishness, that you become so caught up in your own shit that you think the world revolves around you. I mean, take the bridesmaid example...is anyone really looking at you? I remember walking down the aisle at my sister's wedding as her maid of honour and everyone simply looking over my head and past me to get a glimpse of the bride. I was pretty much invisible, although that probably had a lot to do with the fact that we were pretty much the only wedding party in the early 90s that weren't wearing repulsive taffeta and nary a bow in sight.
I realised that I've become pretty reclusive since I moved to Toowoomba which I didn't mind at all...I value my time to myself and can thoroughly enjoy spending time at home. But lately I've realised that I've probably gone too much over to the 'dark side' and probably need to get out more. So socially awkward or not...Toowoomba social scene (is than an oxymoron?), I'm coming for you.
Wish me luck.
Bec xx
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