The topknot. Fashionista or fashion fail?

Everyone has that one hairstyle that they just can't bear the sight of. For me this has always been the topknot.

Of course there's also the reverse porcupine, but we won't even go there. There are some things that are just too traumatic to discuss.

From teenagerhood where my boyfriend described the topknot look as being 'like a dog doo on her head' to present, the topknot has been one of those things that I've always looked at and cringed.

And don't get me started on the loose topknot/tight headband combo which leaves the wearer looking like an upside-down mushroom. I have coined a term for this look - 'the inverted mushroom' (patent pending).

However in the past year or so something strange has happened. The topknot is currently enjoying a fashion resurgence, which generally would fill me with the utmost horror, however every now and again I see a girl rocking it and actually...well...rocking it.

I've been studying this trend and think I might have discovered that magical difference between looking fashion forward and fashion fail.

Look, if you're heading to the shops in your trackies and Uggs, and you want to throw your hair in the so-called classic topknot to get it off your face, then knock yourself out.  My gripe is with those who are clearly trying to be fashionable, OK?

Here's my tips if you must insist on being a trend follower. My preference is to do my own thing, but hey, we all dance to the beat of different drums:

1. Location: the perfect topknot location varies from person to person depending on your headshape. It must be high enough to categorically BE a topknot. Otherwise it's just a bun. But if it is even a smidgen too high, you go from looking chic to well, for want of a better term, looking like a dick. If it's hanging over your forehead, you look like an idiot. Someone has to say it.
2. Size: I really hate the tight topknot that looks like a little knob or antenna hanging off the top of your head. But then sometimes you see an effort that goes just too far the other way, like they were involved in some sort of inexplicable science lab explosion and forgot to fix their hair. Rule of thumb: if it's bigger than your head, you've gone too far. The happy medium is slightly loose and wispy, not too 'done' but not too underdone either. The whole point of the look is to appear like you just threw it together in a few seconds. But the same rules apply as the 'no-makeup makeup' look - to achieve the perfectly undone looking topknot, you need to spend longer to make it look like you spent less. Makes perfect sense, right? If you actually DID throw it together in a few seconds, unless you're a hairdresser, it's likely a fail. OK?
3. Foundation: the initial ponytail that forms the foundation of your topknot can't be too loose. Or tight. Your hair should look relaxed and casual but if you do reserve the right to 'do' the inverted mushroom, I reserve the right to laugh hysterically.
4. Hair: the condition of your hair plays an important part in this too. Dirty, bedraggled hair in a topknot looks like you've just given up. Seriously, use a brush. And please, and I mean please, never do this with wet hair. If I need to spell it out then this post is not for you.

There's even 'tools' available in stores these days - those little donut thingies that supposedly allow you to achieve the perfect 'fat' topknot. Apparently you can replicate one at home with a rolled up sock, but clearly you need more skill than I as I simply look like some sort of weirdo with a visible sock in my hair.

Personally I think I'll leave the trend alone. I don't think I have the right shaped head for it and frankly, pulling my hair on top of my head for extended periods of time just gives me a headache. Or perhaps that's just post-traumatic-stress from so many years of ballet classes and being forced to scrape our hair into immovable buns with pins sticking every which way into my brain.

Actually that explains a lot.

So what's the verdict? Do you like the topknot? Am I just fashion backwards and 'past it' for my aversion to this trend?

xx

I don't hate this.