That's not to say that I'm not introspective. Anyone who wants to dismiss me as a superficial blonde, then that's OK by me, but you might just miss out on the odd times when I do have something deeper to say. I just mostly prefer to take a page out of Monty Python's book of always looking on the bright side of life (do do, do do, do do, do do).
Sorry, getting sidetracked.
I am often inspired to write a blog post from reading something online or seeing a picture or having something happen to me when I'm out and about. Those are my favourite times as the words just flow. Sometimes too I have an idea to begin with and then it spins somewhere else entirely (as with my recent comment on dissing my kid, which started purely as me wanting to write about Emily the Bachelorette and her funny quote about going West Virginia hoodrat on someone's ass).
Sometimes I proofread my posts and hesitate a LOT before hitting 'publish'. Particularly when writing about topics that I know inflame passion in people, or personal opinions when I know close friends of mine will disagree violently.
But I do try not to censor myself and write truthfully...well my own truth, and that's all I can do.
I don't particularly care what people I don't know think of me, to be honest, however I do very much care about the opinions of those I love, and certainly wouldn't want to inadvertently upset any of them by a throwaway comment or a personal opinion that differs to theirs. Fortunately for me I have amassed an amazing group of friends who I guess I have gravitated to naturally throughout my life both for their similarities AND their differences, and our communal ability to invoke vigorous debate rather than arguments. I guess ultimately it comes down to mutual respect.
This week I also had a conversation with a friend who related to me an issue she's having due to a completely innocuous and innocent 'chat' on Facebook with another friend about some funny events that took place over 20 years ago. I remember reading it and smiling as I was in that same circle at the time and it brought back some great memories.
Anyhow, my friend then received a rather severe dressing down for this harmless conversation from another friend who was on the outs with the first one. A verbal tongue lashing of the first order was delivered to my friend for engaging this other person in conversation as 'where was the loyalty?'.
It got me to thinking about friendships and loyalty and basically...censorship in friendship. At what point does a friend have a say in who you can and can't be friends with, or who you should cut out of your life? Where is the line where a friend expects you to stand on their feet FOR them and where do you decide to censor yourself and your words and actions, based on whether it might upset your friends?
I guess it's something I think about from time to time as when I was a teenager I was particularly badly bullied by a couple of girls who were friends with my friends. At the time I was completely spineless and expected MY friends to stick up for me and not be friends with these other girls due to their appalling treatment of me.
They didn't. And I just didn't get it. Oh, they did make the odd attempt to tell the girls to stop it, they didn't ignore it completely, but I do remember feeling very hurt and that I shouldn't even need to spell it out (I never did).
Over time I have come to realise that you cannot expect people to fight your battles for you. Friends are there to lean on for support and advice (and vice versa) but to expect them to stand up for you when you won't is ludicrous. It's called being an adult.
Same too with censoring your words and actions based on 'what might your friends think?' I speak from personal experience here! For the first 25 years of my life I was CRIPPLED by my paranoia that if I said what I wanted to say, I might upset someone, or offend someone, or they would laugh at me. So I didn't say it. In fact I didn't say much at all until you got to know me. And I was so BORING I really don't know how people could stand to be around me. I look back now with my new and improved (in my opinion) 'don't give a rats ass' attitude and marvel at how many years I wasted being afraid to say what I thought due to my overwhelming insecurities. And funnily enough I have not only retained the same friends who have known and loved me despite my social paralysis and even developed far more new ones than I ever did in my 20s.
It's the same too to expect that you can dictate who your friends can and can't be friends with. Oh it's only natural to want your friends to have your back, and I'd be horrified if a friend continued to be friendly with someone who'd done me badly, badly wrong. But other than that, then it's not just short-sighted but also incredibly selfish to expect that you have the right to tell your friends who they can and cannot associate with. There is inevitably going to be a friend of your friend who you don't much care for, but if you try to make your friend make a choice, just be warned that you might not like the outcome! Personally I'd go with the person who ISN'T making me choose, as giving an ultimatum usually backfires on this little black duck (due to compulsion of having to do the opposite of what I'm told) and I'd be offended to be forced to make the choice.
Yes there's a line and you can't go around saying everything on your mind whenever you feel like it, or else we'd all be arrested. But with tact and diplomacy, if there's something you need to say then you should never let fear hold you back from saying it. Particularly not from your friends! I said tact and diplomacy though, I would never tolerate a friend speaking to me badly and therefore never speak to them badly! (thanks dad for the 'treat others the way you'd like to be treated' life lessons).
To make demands or manipulate a friendship for your own selfish ends really says a lot more about your own insecurities than it does about the so-called 'disloyalty' of a friend. Loyalty is important but your friends being friends with someone you don't much like really isn't a show of disloyalty in my book, provided you know that person has your back when it really counts.
What do you think about censorship in friendship? Do you think friendship comes with strings and that it's OK to dictate to your friends who they can or cannot associate with? Or do you think it's enough to know that your mates will be there when it's needed?
xx
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