I think it's pretty obvious that I think the world of my friends and, as the saying goes, would be beside them in the jail cell saying 'whoa, that was awesome, let's do it again' (and must say I am utterly, utterly shocked that Cathy and I are yet to find ourselves in this position. In time. In time).
So it saddens me when I see demands, restrictions or judgments placed on friendships because from the outside in, it seems too clear that these aren't really friends at all, but to the persons involved it cuts deeply.
Recently I heard of a situation where a girl I know has a friend who decided she hated her then-boyfriend (now husband and father of their daughter). Apparently this girl has basically ignored her when she's out and about with her hubby but then wants to be friends when it's just the two of them, saying it shouldn't matter that she hates her other half. My friend has taken offence to this and thinks she should at the very least tolerate her husband as he's...well...her husband.
I tend to agree, in principle.
I think it's fine to be (nicely) honest with your friends if they're seeing a guy that you think is just all wrong for them. I probably wouldn't even say it outright that I didn't like them, more just plant questions in their heads to try to make them recognise that the guy in question isn't treating them right. However, I think the straightest path to a friendship-ending explosion is to tell your friend that the guy she's dating is a douche.
Now if she's married to him, on the other hand, then unless he's abusing her then I really think you don't have the right to say anything at all.
He's her HUSBAND. She stood up in front of friends and family and vowed to love him and that carries weight (and if it doesn't, then it should!). Certainly more weight than your friendship.
Another friend of mine is now married to a lovely man who recognised early on in the piece that her friends didn't really treat her like they should and called them on it. Ergo, they hated him. Mind you, I'd recognised this was true myself and had often said something so he wasn't off the mark. Perhaps a little overprotective, but he was trying to look out for her best interests.
So when they got engaged, an engagement celebration was thrown by said friends...however her husband-to-be WASN'T INVITED.
Sorry, wtf?????
I'm really lucky that my closest friends have husbands that I actually DO like. We do tend to keep our circle very woman-centric, so generally any self-respecting hubby very wisely runs for the hills and organises a concurrent boys night the minute he finds they're hosting a girls-do. Smart men. So quite often I don't really see them that often but in general, they're all really nice blokes.
However we've all had friends who've dated douches, and quite frankly I've dated a few of these myself. It's pretty telling that I had a long relationship and later found out that my good friend couldn't STAND the guy, yet she'd never said a word during the time, other than to ask a lot of questions about how he treated me and made me feel etc (which is basically what I do). Eventually I came to the conclusion on my own that he was a douche and bolted on my own accord, with friendship still completely intact.
It's like someone bitching about your sister - YOU'RE allowed to do it, but heaven help anyone else who does!!!
It's a matter of respect for your friend and their choice. YOU might not like the guy but if he's making your friend happy then it's none of your business.
So my advice is, if your mate, in your opinion, is dating, or god forbid, married to a douche, then tread carefully.
What do you think? Is your friend dating a douche? Or does one of YOUR friends think your hubby is a douche? What do you do about it? I'd love to hear.
xx
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