What not to wear during a heatwave.

Clearly I'm a fan of the 'serious news' on news.com.au that I read pretty much daily, and today being no exception.

Um right.

Well I do read it daily but you know, I will confess that you're more likely to find me trying to quickly click of a screen like this instead of something about the Middle Eastern conflict - I ain't no Kim K.

So a heatwave hit us like a sack of shit on the weekend and apparently has decided to come around for a second go over the next few days. Farking summer.

Clearly then the news websites are tackling the big issues of what to wear to the office when it's stinking freaking hot outside. Or more pointedly, what NOT to wear (sorry Trinny & Susannah for whatever copyright I just stomped all over).

There's even a list of rules which I'd like to examine one by one, because, you know, this is serious shit.

Strapless tops. well no argument here. pretty much the only people in Toowoomba who wear strapless tops are the ones who probably absolutely shouldn't. Hotpants ditto. Leave em for the clubs, or, you know, like NEVER. Who likes short shorts?

Bathers worn as tops/crop tops etc: well duh! Unless you're gunning for the next Sports Illustrated cover then does this really need to be said? And refer to the first rule above. Going to work should not have to involve me having to bleach my eyeballs. I think it's an Occupational Health & Safety issue, ie. MY pain and suffering, not to mention mental anguish. Frankly I don't make enough $$$ to a) have to look at you and b) to pay the therapist I will need for the rest of my days to recover.

Mini skirts/short dresses: there was a girl who came and did some holiday work with us once. She wore these like TEENY flouncy dresses. Look, she had fabulous legs and she became immensely popular with like, every male person in the office. But honestly, we just used to look at her and say, 'how embarrrassing, she forgot to put her skirt on again today'. Funnily enough she wasn't offered permanent work. Enough said. If you can't bend over or sit down without showing us what you had for breakfast, then save it for Friday night.

Sheer fabrics or tops that show side boob: Refer to above. There really are not too many side boobs in Toowoomba that I'd like to see at the best of times, and if I would, then I'll just take myself to the shopping centre to view the Cliffos and amuse myself by trying to distiguish between whether I'm looking at side boob or just another roll of bingo wing. And even Miss I'm Usually Dressed Unsuitably At Every Occasion And Proud Of It can understand that the sexy chiffon number is probably not the vibe I'm going for in the workplace. I mean, I have to work with these people, probably best if they don't know exactly what my tits look like.

OTT cleavage: OK so I'm gonna debate this one a bit. As a girl with...ahem...assets, trying to cover these suckers up makes me look matronly. Yes I'm nearly 40 (!) and yes there is a line but sorry all, the only way to try to make the girls look pretty is to show em off. Haven't you watched What Not to Wear? Ladies with...er...assets are encouraged to wear V necks or wrap dresses that enhance the girls and give you a youthful appearance. Yeah OK there's a line. I skate on it some days. Deal with it. Having said that, I did change out of a particular dress for my work Christmas Party due to a fear that I may actually fall out of my dress and have looked at a couple of girls with some rather daring cleavage thinking, um, honey, every boy in the room (that you have to go to work with) has now seen you practically naked. Ugh.

Thongs: before my American readers think, OMG what the...?, thongs in Aussie terms are what you'd call 'flip flops'. Apparently this is the #1 officewear faux pas and I'm afraid I'm going to thoroughly disagree with this one and will argue longer than you can even be bothered listening to. I'm sitting in my office right now wearing a fetching wrap dress (see above) complete with an adorable pair of sparkly black thongs with a little bow on them. I'm rather offended that the article says 'no-one wants to see your bunions'. Excuse me, my feet are beautifully buffed, polished and pedicured (almost) all the time and I have pretty feet. Bunions???? It's one of my best features (sad life I lead) so there. They're CLASSY thongs, OK? (oxymoron or what?). Don't judge me.

So there.

At least I'm not a bloke. Poor buggers apparently have to wear long sleeved shirts, like ALWAYS. Shorts are acceptable if worn with closed in leather shoes and a tailored shirt but otherwise, tough luck boys. Ugh.

Look I totally agree that you shouldn't rock up to work looking like you're about to hit the beach, but allow us a little latitude when it's stinking outside, OK? If you want the three piece lined suit 24/7 then either hire someone else or get used to the drowned rat look that I'll be adorning during the hotter months. Nah, just hire someone else. I did the corporate thing for many years and quite frankly I rocked the thongs a time or two there as well. Personally I'm loving my new workplace where the rules are basically that there are certain areas where I have to wear covered shoes for safety, and that's about it. Otherwise I will flit about in my pretty thongs whenever I damn well please.

And should I choose to recreate my own Desperate Housewives moment mowing in the dark whilst wearing a pretty dress then that's quite OK too. Sorry neighbours.

Bec xx