Fifty shades of wtf.

What a wonderful weekend of doing a bit fat pile of nothing!

A bit of housework, a food shop and a lot of sitting in the sun...magical. The highlight being my son taking me out to dinner last night as a belated birthday present. We aimed to go to La Porchetta, a wonderful pizza/pasta place that makes mouthwatering, out-of-this-world pizzas, however it wasn't open when we got there.

As we were STARVING, we decided to head across the road to....Sizzler!

Haha yes I see the irony, from an upscale seafood buffet one day to Sizzler. But it is what it is, and frankly the food ain't all that bad.

So harping on this age thing...it's probably a sign of old age maturity to get excited about your steam mop, yeah? God I love that thing, it's effortless and quick and makes me actually want to mop.

Now I'm hardly the perfect housewife and not exactly the most houseproud person (cue all my friends rolling their eyes at this news with a giant, collective 'duh'), so it's pretty weird for me to get worked up over any kind of cleaning apparatus. So when one comes along, it's time to sing Hallelujah!

Anyhoo...enough about boring cleaning...

So I finished Fifty Shades yesterday and I would like to say that it's Fifty Shades of f--ked up, however the author has already beat me to it, like 50,000 times.

I must say the characters were endearing which keeps you reading however if there was a drinking game based on Ana biting her lip, then I would've been paralytic before the third chapter. It got to the point where I really wanted to give the fictional protagonist a good hard slap of my own. Pun intended.

Seriously, author, whoever the hell you are, enough already.

It was entertaining enough but I really cannot see how this book has taken the women of the world by storm (which ergo then enables them to take their men by storm, hehe). I supposed it has introduced kinky fuckery into the vernacular and sex shops everywhere thank you for it.

So an uneventful and yet luxuriously decadent weekend of big fat nothings. Need more of em. Getting up for work tomorrow will be painful!

Hope you had a wonderful weekend :)

xx

Grown up, getting old...the Birthday lament.

So yesterday was my 39th birthday (thank you Miss Housewife for your birthday-dedicated post). For the record, you may have been throwing up in my garden 23 years ago, however I was of course behaving with class and dignity as always.

Really.

By the way, where's my birthday cake pops?

Hope you and your fantastic ass have an awesome time at The Zoo this eve.

I had the most excellent day - waking up to breakfast in bed courtesy of # 1 son (vegemite on toast and coffee, if you're wondering) followed by a long, lazy lie-in. I had decided to take the day off as, really, who wants to go to work on their birthday?

Dad was coming up to see me for lunch so when there was a knock on the door about 10am, I truly wasn't expecting it to be him. Here he was, armed with weed killer, ready to do a number of the little varmints popping up all over my lovely white pebbled driveway.

Only my dad would come to take me out for a birthday lunch and attack a bunch of weeds beforehand.

Thanks dad :)

We then stocked up on grog for Dad's motel as this was Dad's trip to 'the big smoke'. I think the guy at the counter must have thought we were alcoholics judging by the haul we took through the checkout.

Then onto the most amazing seafood buffet I've seen (and tasted) in years. And as the self-appointed quality control inspector for the day, I was very thorough in my investigations, haha.

So thoroughly full of seafood (yuuuuummmm) and some time with my daddy (awwww) I came home to do, well, pretty much NOTHING for the rest of the afternoon until E got home from school.

Wonderful.

Yes it sounds pretty non-eventful but that's the way I like it. You see, for the record my birthdays usually SUCK. Something bad always seems to happen - sickness, someone in hospital, car breakdowns, fights with friends, breaking up with boyfriends, you name it, I've experienced it.

I've come to the conclusion that the only way my birthday can be enjoyed is to just plan very little and take the day to chill out. Consequently the last two birthdays seem to have been pretty damned nice.

So what'd I score?

Well my girlfriends and I have decided instead of dreading our 40th birthdays next year, instead we'll treat ourselves to a week in New York, sans kids/partners. Yay!

So my parents have set up a travel account for me to which they will deposit money in lieu of presents for birthdays/Christmas etc. Suits me!

I also received a beautiful bunch of flowers from my sister (thank you) and my grandmother has apparently sent me something but it hasn't arrived yet. I feel very spoilt and pretty damned lucky.

So onto the title of my post...

I don't seem to have an issue with 'milestone' birthdays. I think people hype them up so much and it just doesn't really bother me.

What DOES bother me, though, is the ones before or after the milestone. 30 was fine, a great year, but 31 was awful. It's probably a mental thing, that I deliberately won't get worked up over a milestone birthday when it's perfectly acceptable to do so, but then it hits me later like a delayed reaction.

So last night and this morning I've just been pondering...OMG 39!!! Like one less than 40.

Like officially middle aged.

I've entitled my blog 'Grown Up, Not Old' because most days I truly feel young at heart and just a great big kid playing grownups.

But then it hit me...

At lunch yesterday I had diet coke. Not wine, not champagne, diet coke.

I didn't have a drink to celebrate last night either. I didn't go out. I had popcorn for dinner and went to bed.

My 25 year old self would have been flabbergasted at such news. The wild, crazy party animal young me would have promptly drunk herself into a stupor and gone clubbing to block it out.

The young me couldn't stay at home. Couldn't understand why you'd go shopping for linen or kitchen porn...I mean, that's less money for drinking right/

So am I getting old?

These days I can happily while away the entire day at home and suddenly it's 5pm...

What?

When did this happen? When did I...heaven help me...get old?????

I'm a bit perplexed and not a little upset at myself. There is a part of me that feels like I should get tanked on champagne and discover Toowoomba nightspots this evening...just to show that I still CAN.

But there's another part that really can't be assed.

Oh dear.

So are you 'old'? When did it hit you? Should I get my party on STAT, or just go with the flow????

It's a conundrum.

So hope you're all having a wonderful weekend. Spare a thought for this old bag chilling at home and thoroughly enjoying it. Happy birthday to me :)

xx

Oh PS. thanks to my wonderful stepsister for her heartwarming text message saying she hopes I get one before I turn 40. Thanks. I sincerely hope I do too.

Cathy's 50s Housewife Friday: a very Bec birthday

Happy 50s Housewife Friday everyone, and a very Happy Birthday to the lovely Miss Blog Queen Rebecca!

Bec, this means that 23 years ago today, we were throwing up in the backyard of your house while your lovely mum wondered how we all got so drunk on two Westcoast Coolers, thankfully oblivious to the bottle of rocket fuel I had stashed in my bag.

We were the teens ur momma warned you about...but we did it sweetly and with impeccable manners

Woohoo!!! First birthday track of the day in honour of the book I stole for you on ur 17th birthday:

The Cure - Love Cats

Wanna flea, pretty?

Hmmm, did I just admit that?

Another exciting milestone this week...

Was my 7th wedding anniversary on Monday and I sit here typing today on my new Ipad 3! Damn I love pressies - I gave him a new drill, so excited!

7 years man, that's a good effort I reckon...we were together 7 years as a couple before we got married too...so many 7s...that must mean that for the next year at least our relationship will be travelling under a lucky star...sentimental of me, I know, but marriage and long-term relationships can be very scary. It's easier to write them off than it is to safe them when times get tough but for every bad year, there is an amazing year, and we are in the throes of an amazing year!

God I sound old.

Second track of the day before I go to finish setting up my new vege garden:

The Cult: Wildflower

Happy birthday Bec, I love knowing that I've always got you in my corner and I hope your year is under the lucky 7 star as well, 7/9 gal xoxo

Signing off with track 3: The Screaming Tribesmen: Date With a Vampire Girl

Will be seeing the amazing frontman from the Tribesmen tomorrow night at the Zoo as he support acts for my friend's fabulous band - Lovejoy. Can't wait to hit the Valley with my freshly blackened hair, and my posse of cool girls for a flashback of rock before I drag my married and fabulous ass home before I turn into a pumpkin at midnight.

After all, we've got forts and vege gardens to finish!

Have a great Bec birthday 50s Housewife Friday yo x

Cathy

Cathy wears many hats. Wife, mother of two sons, CEO of Little Monsters Pty Ltd and Cake Pop Queen just to name a few. She subscribes to the theory that Cathiness is next to Godliness. And on Fridays she behaves like a 50s hou

Money is pretty ugly on the Bachelor Pad.

So I wasn't going to admit to watching this, but as I've already confessed to Toddlers and Tiaras I thought I'd already scraped the bottom and plumbed the depths of pathetic-ness.

In that case, I thought I'd just have at it and spill all:

So I've been rather addicted to Bachelor Pad.

Yes, watching 21 ridiculously self-absorbed, deluded human beings hyped up on champagne, tripping over their overinflated egos (and bad boob jobs) and falling into bed with each other all in the name of winning $250,000 (per couple) has become addictive television viewing and provided me with some of the funniest moments of my week (life, as in 'get a' - yes I know).

I'm obsessed.

Top 10 quotes of the season:

1. Lindzi: "every guy's fantasy is twins, but I don't think they've met these twins yet" (truer words were never spoken)
2. Sarah: "Sarah, do you not be the only girl in this hot tub that does not hook up. That would be so pathetic" (of course it would)
3.  Chris (on Jamie): "I really don't like Jamie, but she's hot". "I feel like the only way to shut her up is to just kiss her" (what a guy)
4.  Jamie (on Chris): "That's the great thing about him. He doesn't get pleasure out of causing pain. He's loyal and that's so attractive" (so deluded it was almost sad)
5.  Chris (on Jamie, and Blakeley): "Honestly, the best thing I have done is traded in Blakeley and Jamie for Sarah. It's like buying a new car. You've got the nice new car smell and it's just so much smoother and nicer and easier for me" (seriously, what a catch)
6.  Kalon: "Yeah, I'm a liar. You want me to elaborate on that?" (please no, just get in your helicopter and go away, forever)
7.  Blakeley: "I'm so glad I worked at Hooters for 13 years" (your parents must be so proud)
8.  Nick: "This song is about a brother and sister and the brother is giving his sister advice - and they dry humped onstage" (uh...what?)
9.  Jaclyn: "I can't tell if Sarah is dancing or if there's something legitimately wrong with her. I'm about the call the medic. Somebody help us" (haha, it kinda did look like a seizure)
10. Jaclyn: "go f--k yourself. I want nothing to do with her ever again...she's dead to me"

Number 10 is my absolute favourite as this is in response to Rachel taking the most hated couple in the house to the finals with her instead of the much more popular Jaclyn and Ed. Um, this might be because she actually might want to win the money??? Overreaction much?

So the finals are next week and by all the 'O' faces in the trailer it's gonna be explosive. Or else just lame with one OMG moment and they've filmed all the O faces individually.

Likely the latter.

What is it about trash TV that just has me so hooked lately? All I can say is the summer hiatus in the US can't end soon enough...for all your sakes.

xx

Is it time to break up with your toxic friend?

Toxic friends. I'm pretty sure just about everyone has had one. If you haven't then consider yourself so, soooo lucky or just THAT confident that you wouldn't put up with it (in which case, can I have a piece of that?).

It's so common that Hollywood even coined a term for it:

FRENEMY.

So what's a toxic friend?

Well she is that self-absorbed, disrespectful, selfish, manipulative little soul sucking biatch, the one who is overly demanding, speaks to you in a way that you wouldn't even tolerate from your partner (or especially your partner!) and generally makes you feel guilty, undermined, taken advantage of or just simply drained. Everything comes with strings. Every 'innocent' comment designed to hit you where it hurts.

Meanwhile, while they're putting you down, they're expecting you to pick them up.

And yet you put up with it.

Note this isn't exclusively a women only problem, but generally men won't put up with that crap so its inevitable that it happens more often with women. For the purposes of this article Miss Toxic Biatchness will be referred to as a 'she'.

Friends should make you feel good. They should prop you up when you're down, celebrate with you when you're up. Much like a relationship, they should bring out the best in you (and vice versa, otherwise you might become Miss Toxic Biatchness herself, which is kinda not the point here).

Healthy friendships are crazy important for your emotional wellbeing so it's fair to say that an UNhealthy friendship with Miss Toxic Biatchness that is all take and no give, is really detrimental to your mental health.

So why do we put up with her? Let's face it, if you just met Miss Toxic Biatchness, you'd want to slap her silly so why invite her into your front door and give her a key?

So recently it dawned on a friend of mine that someone in her inner circle for many, many years was...well...a disrespectful biatch (aka Miss Toxic Biatchness). Kicking her to the kerb has been a hard journey for my mate and she's still going through the grieving process (yes losing a friend can be as hard as a relationship breaking up). She's still not there but I know she will be because now she's really reviewing the last x amount of years of friendship and realising all the things that she's made excuses for, all the behaviours she's ignored or let go in the name of being a good friend. She's pretty horrified with herself that she let all this happen without even really noticing it.

And God knows I've been through this once or six times myself. So I get that it's not that easy to just 'kick em to the kerb' as is so helpfully suggested by many.

Firstly it can be really hard to recognise that a friend truly is toxic or even if you know it, you feel obligated to 'fix them' or make excuses. Have you ever said 'oh that's just their way' or 'they're just shy' or something else equally inane?

Sadly I have.

Or they don't have anyone else so you feel like you can't abandon them. Or you can't help but remember something wonderful they did for you in the past (which is likely the ONLY wonderful thing, but you've been clinging to it for 20 years) which you then use to excuse their behaviour before and since.

Reminds of a saying that my stepmother used to hang in her kitchen:

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

The fact is, it isn't your job to fix your so-called friend. And a one-sided friendship sucks. Your soul. Literally.

If talking it out doesn't change things, then you really are doing the only healthy thing for yourself, and that's to walk away. Yes it's hard, and it leaves a hole that you think may never be filled.

But it will. It does, and one day you'll wake up happier and freer and so much more confident that you don't have that toxic, niggling presence of Miss Toxic Biatchness making you feel just a touch worse about yourself day after day. And you'll wonder why you ever put up with such a one-sided friendship that made you feel crap about yourself.

And then you have MORE time for the fulfilling, uplifting friendships that really matter.

It's a mental health service really.

Say it with me people...sayonara Miss Toxic Biatchness.

xx

Father's Day and statues with beanies. As you do.

What a fantastic Father's Day!

I fell asleep unspeakably early when attempting to make a start of Fifty Shades last night, before I even got to any naughty bits! Doesn't say much for the book but I will persevere.

I don't remember a thing until my phone rang 11 hours later...thanks Cathy for the wakeup call, otherwise I probably would've slept right through Elijah's party pickup time which would've shot my 'surprise' to all kinds to hell.

I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment as I went to bed exhausted, muscle-sore and just brain-dead, and after a mammoth 11 hour sleep marathon, woke up exactly the same way.

Despite the shaky start, it was the most magnificent day and after a coffee or two el-braino was sufficiently defogged to go collect E to go onto our 'surprise'.

So it appears that E had the night to end all nights, with eating followed by laser skirmish (in which he was 'the decoy' and very admirably to hear him tell. In hindsight a white skeleton shirt was not the ideal choice for such an activity), followed by pizza, movie, cake, sleeping in tents (it was 'intense' lol) and waking up to a sunny 3 degree morning to enjoy pancakes, bacon, maple syrup and ice cream.

Jeez throw in a couple of cocktails and I'm moving in.

Anyhoo, so the 'surprise' was supposed to drive to Tenterfield to see Dad for Father's Day. I say 'supposed to' because my father, being smarter than the average bear, decided to read my blog this morning and from my oblique reference yesterday cleverly figured it out. Clearly I'm not the brains of this operation.

Foiled...by my own big mouth.

Father's Day is really special to me. It's my birthday this week and so sometimes my birthday actually falls on Father's Day. So it's always been the day that we get together to celebrate both, just in case we live too far apart to see each other on both days. I think it's pretty fair to say that I'm a confirmed and unashamed Daddy's girl from way back and my father is simply my rock in this crazy world.

We saw him last weekend and he knew E was dying to go to this party last night so told us not to come and see him. My stepmother is currently away in Cairns and the thought of him being alone today was too much and I knew without question that I would be going come hell or high water.

So off we set, E excitedly chattering about his epic night.

So last time dad was here he had told me about a shortcut through Allora, so we drove through and couldn't find the bloody thing. It wasn't a total waste though, as we managed to see the statue in the town square that some clever (and agile) spark had managed to adorn with beanie and scarf.

Once again, clear reference that I need a life.

Because I needed further proof.

So we went to all the trouble of parking around the corner and footing it to the motel, hoping to burst through the door yelling 'any rooms at the inn' (which is so not funny but there you are) only to find dad in reception on the phone and basically...well, expecting us.

Oh well, it's the thought that counts, yeah?

So out come the presents and this plagues me every year...what do you get the man who either has everything he wants or just doesn't care enough about material things to want anything? The old standby - a Bunnings voucher - isn't much help when he lives a few hundred kms away from the nearest warehouse either.

So my wag of a son decided to obtain a charming money box that is for the 'Grumpy Old Man' in your life. Fines for moans, complaints and total tantrums apply. I ended up decided on a box of chocolates. Totally lame-o but seriously, he always has me at a loss. Of course I got blamed for the money box, haha.

I expect my stepmother will raise enough for a first-class overseas jaunt in no time.

Then my lovely stepsister arrived with the kids and simply THE most divine chicken curry complete with rice and pappadums for lunch, followed by chocolate cake, strawberries and a magnificent vanilla and marscapone dipping sauce. I can still taste it now...

Thank you Sandy! You're amazing, and I want that recipe, STAT.

Sadly it was all over too soon and we had to get back in the car for the drive home. Luckily we found the shortcut this time which wiped a whopping half an hour from the trip...thanks Dad! Brilliant as always.

It was so nice to be able to spend some time, even if it was limited, with dad on this special day. He never asks for anything which is why it's so nice to be able to spoil him.

Thanks for a wonderful day dad! I feel pretty damned lucky to be your daughter.

xx

Bayonets, Fifty Shades, Tiaras and the bizarre life of an assistant.

So another crazy week done and dusted and I'm feeling pretty damned pleased with myself, albeit exhausted.

Yesterday really highlighted the diverse and sometimes bizarre life of an assistant...from getting my boss ready for an overseas trip to following him to his private park to swap cars and unload his rifles from the boot...

Yes that was not a typo. Private park. Unloading rifles. You read it correctly.

It was the first time I've ever held a gun of any description and whilst they were all in bags, it was still surreal and somewhat terrifying. My boss also recalled a story of how he has purchased a World War I rifle that was never taken out of the box...when he opened it he discovered not only the rifle but a BAYONET.

For real.

I told him to walk around the office with it casually slung over his shoulder at pay review time. Watch productivity increase. Demands decrease. Problem solved.

I for one won't be pissing him off in a hurry now I know he's such a crack shot. And he is the proud owner of a BAYONET.

Fall in line, troops.

So a rifle is so much heavier than I expected. Unless I develop some guns (pun intended) tout suite, I would barely be able to lift the thing shoulder height, let alone take any kind of decent aim.

For the record, my boss does target shooting for sport, not anything with a pulse.

So there's a couple of 'firsts' that I don't think I'd ever experience in Brisbane! Probably not anywhere except Toowoomba! In what universe do you stumble into a magical garden just a few short blocks from the CBD??? My imagination is already planning all the parties we can have there...

So today we went to visit my fellow blogger Willow in her lovely new home, which is now sooo much closer to me...literally just a 2-3 minute drive...yay for me! I am in love with her place and if I ever get sick of my little abode I'll be evicting her and moving in myself. So happy for her.

Wonderful to see the kids all playing happily together. One of the nicest things about my old long-time friends is now most of us have kids of our own and they all play BEAUTIFULLY together. In some cases there's years between them but it simply doesn't matter. So nice to be able to hang with my lovely ladies knowing the kids are happy and occupied (and hopefully in another room).

So this afternoon I dropped E off to his first ever overnight camping birthday party. Laser skirmish, pizza, plenty of sugar, a huge tent...and did I mention 11 kids? They are much braver people than me although they assured me their earplugs are top notch, so perhaps that's the trick. I am looking forward to hearing all about the night's hijinks when I pick up an overtired, oversugared child tomorrow.

And then we're going to surprise someone...I won't say anything just in case they read this and it spoils it all but I'm so looking forward to it.

So I've just finished reading all the Fallen series by Lauren Kate. It's about fallen angels and I must say it took me awhile to get into them and I didn't really fall in LOVE with the characters but the storyline was really interesting so I had to keep reading to find out what happened. I've heard they're making it into a movie but I just don't see how they'll be able to do it convincingly...fingers crossed they don't make a total hash of it as per Twilight.

Speaking of, I know it will be crap but I'm still excited that the last part of Breaking Dawn is opening soon! Will be dragging Miss Willow along and she'll have no excuse now we're both living in the same town.

So I finished all the books and went trolling through amazon.com to try to find something new to read. I must say I was a bit uninspired and I'm up to date with most of my favourite authors so I have done what I had promised myself I wouldn't...

I downloaded Fifty Shades of Grey.

Oh dear.

I've heard it's really badly written and not at all a convincing portrait however everyone's been going on about it and my screen crush Ian Somerhalder is lobbying for the part of the main character in the soon-to-be-made movie, so I thought, why the hell not. If it's good enough for Ian and all that...

So if I'm engrossed in my kindle the next few days I'll tell you I'm reading something intellectually stimulating but in actual fact I'll be reading something else stimulating...er...or so I've heard.

So there we go.

Oh you'll see the depths of my boredom when I reveal something so horrifying and shocking and embarrassing that I did last night...

I've mentioned before that I've exhausted pretty much all of my TV shows and subsequently have been delving into fare I'd never generally watch in a million years (The Shire, anyone?).

Well last night I sunk to a new low.

I watched....(oh God I can barely say it)...

Toddlers and Tiaras.

Perhaps I picked a bad episode to start with, being a 50s theme with one FOUR YEAR OLD GIRL coming out dressed as Sandy and pretending to smoke. I'm pretty sure the cig was real, too. Not lit, but so not the point. And the little girl's mother is justifying herself all over the place saying it was just acting and she had to be authentic.

As if dressing your little kid up as some kind of bizarro-world adult/doll wasn't bad enough.

It was the most horrifying experience of my life.

And you can bet I'll be watching another episode as soon as I've finished typing this.

It's like a car crash, I just can't look away.

And as an aside...if you call your kid Destiny, what the hell is her stripper name supposed to be????? Wrong. Just wrong.

So there you are...I'll be tucked up trying to get warm on an unseasonably FREEZING night either getting naughty with Fifty Shades or naughtier with Toddlers and Tiaras.

Have a good weekend all!

xx