Zombies and stick families...the lesser of two evils?

For anyone who knows me the following revelation probably won't come as an enormous surprise.

I spend an inordinate amount of my life debating the likelihood of and my chances of survival in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Apparently moving away from a capital city has increased my chances, although I lived in a highrise with a pool on the roof which would have been an ideal vantage spot to pick off the brain-eating crazies coming to get me (and the zombies too) and now live in a flat-on-the-ground house. I haven't yet investigated if my security screens are zombie-proof but will put that on my To-Do list immediately.

According to the zombie quizzes I make it past the first few hurdles but then meet my demise due to my distaste for gore, ugliness, and avoidance of close, hand-to-hand combat.

However my new plan is to commandeer a Bunnings Warehouse complete with all manner of long-handled dangerous looking implements that I believe should allow me to be dangerously effective...but as a distance. It's even got a cafe. And camp beds.

But I digress...

Anyhoo, I also haven't really made any effort to hide my utter disdain (read: complete hatred) of those stupid 'My Family' car stickers (except for the one at the link attached which quickly became my most favourite picture and I was quite tempted to put it on my own car).

So stumbling onto the following seemed like kismet.

Braaaaaiiiinnnnssss....

Bec xx

Things that annoy me. Friday edition.

It's that time again, when I've worked up a lovely head of steam that is gonna blow...real soon. Well no, not really, it is Friday after all (my second favourite F word!) so how bad it can it be, right?

But I do have my roundup of this week's pet peeves and grievances that need a forum to air. Because this is really gonna fix it...

Oh well, Things That Annoy Me*

• Hairdressers who don't style your hair the way you like. Or at all. Last night I got a haircut and was asked if I wanted to pay $10 for a blow-dry. Thinking that I wasn't going to wander around with wet hair, and wanting to see the outcome of this long (I mean LONG) overdue haircut, I agreed. Sorry Miss Please Wash Your Hair Sometime This Year, clearly you meant to say 'go directly to dry-ish fluffy hell, do not pass Go' instead of 'blow dry'. End result being a head full of fluff, still partially damp, with a limp fringe. Huh??? It took me 1/2 hour with the straightener this morning just to stop it looking like a bad rug. And just a little note. People with fringes usually dry them forward, not upward and backward, with a slant to the left. The urge to grab the hairdryer out of your grubby mitts and finish the job myself was so overwhelming, I think I gave myself an ulcer. Thanks for nothing. It's a bad day when you look worse than the Trump.

• Sons who get a haircut in the chair next to you by one of Hairdresser from Hell's (heretofore known as HFH) colleagues and gets a) the best cut of his life and b) a complimentary blowdry. FML.

• So I read that there was a $26 million Queensland lottery winner from Tuesday's jackpot that hadn't been claimed. Then apparently some Townsville bloke rang his wife to check the numbers and they were the winners. Bastards. Although you do live in Townsville, so commiserations for that. Maybe you can spend some of your winnings on a removal truck. Or you know, a private jet. Meanwhile I scored $13.70. I won't spend it all at once.

* this is not a complete list

So that's pretty much all I got, which on reflection is a pretty piss-poor effort really. But it has made me remember a point that if my SON was writing this, he'd have as # 1 but I file under 'Taking Advantage of Every Opportunity to Embarrass Your Children' (patent pending).

So last night after our haircuts we wandered through the shopping centre and I bought two Monster High dolls.

I would pretend that they're presents for my nieces or something but they're not.

THEY'RE MINE.

Although last night I made my son carry them and took enormous delight in saying really loudly things to the tune of:

'Don't drop your dollies'

'Hey you've left your dolls on the table!'

and

'You shouldn't be embarrassed about wanting to play with dollies'

So when you see papers filed for minor emancipation, this could well be brought into evidence of the pain and suffering my poor kid endures.

It's my job.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! I was looking forward to cocktails and sunshine but after a beautiful warm sunny week, a huge thunderstorm is coming over and hanging about for a weekend visit. Bastard.

xx

Things that annoy me. Weekend edition.

So overall it's been a lovely big fat weekend full of nothing, just the way I like it. Reading, catching up on lame TV and decorating the front porch for Halloween.

Good times.

But there's been a few things that have gotten on my tits that just need to come out. So metaphorically speaking, here's me 'getting them off my chest':

• Sons that can barely be dragged out of bed without threats (mine), tears (also mine) and tantrums (ditto) on school days yet insist on waking pre-dawn on weekends and coming into bed for a cuddle. Nothing against cuddles, my # 1 son, but the persistent wiggling and 'accidentally' loud sighing in order to try to wake me up on the only days I am genuinely allowed to be lazy is just not on.

• On Friday the weather was 32 degrees. Hot. Lovely, but hot. Yet today maxed out at about 15 degrees, cold and windy, blowing my lovingly placed Halloween tableau to shit. Seriously dude? If I wanted four seasons in a day, I'd move to Melbourne. Now we're just a week or two away from summer, this is unacceptable. Only women are allowed to be so indecisive.

• Missing the event of the year (aka the annual Halloween bash at Cathy's Spooky Palace). Boo to me. The first time I've missed it in years and last night I had my sadface imagining all the ghoulish goings-on I was missing. Not to mention the cake pops.  Ah...cake pops.

• Hideous song of the day: R.I.P. I'm sorry but 'I'll make you call me daddy even though you're not my daughter'? Really? I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

• Speaking of, it's pronounced 'baby' NOT 'beebee' or 'baybee'. You know who you are. Thank you.

This is not a complete list.

xx

Things that annoy me. Part 64,952.

So it appears people like it when I'm pissed off. Apparently that's funny. Which only annoys me more, thank you. Yes, YOU'RE on the list.

So today's list, in no particular order:

• Train. Ever since I saw Pat whatsisface wearing happy pants and doing his daggy grandpa dance to the horrendous Soul Sister (TOTALLY destroying all lovely images of Ian Astbury in his leather pants and the HAIR rocking out to the similarly-titled song for The Cult circa 1992) on Kerri-Anne Kennerly a few years back, I've not been able to bear the sight or sound of this so-called 'band'. I laughed myself stupid at them thinking no-one would surely think the song was anything but a travesty.

I overestimated people. 

I instantly hated a song that came out recently that kept getting stuck in my head (although I changed the lyrics from 'help me, help me, I'm all out of lies' to 'help me, help me, I'm no good in bed' - try it, my version sounds WAAAYYY better. And you know it's true). 

It didn't surprise me one bit to find out that the hateful band-that-shall-not-be-named were responsible for this outrage. Radio stations everywhere are perpetuating it just to piss me off. I just know it. For shame. Perhaps I need to create my own radio station that is a Train and Nickelback free zone??? Oh, and Rihanna, Chris Brown, Rita Ora....and every other song I don't care for. There may not be much left, but it would be COOL. Thank you.

• Rita Ora. Not sure what 'party and bullshit' actually means but I'll pass. Thank you.

• Toowoomba Crime Reporting. yesterday, apparently a man was caught in a 'low speed car chase', according to the radio news. WTF? Conjures up a mental pic of a deaf grandad with the HAT (never trust a driver wearing a grandad hat) doing 10km on the open road with overweight police, donuts in hand, on foot in hot pursuit a la Chief Wiggum. Huh???

• Bogan voices on radio. So it seems Toowoomba has a penchant for using particularly bad bogan voices and terrible pronunciation for radio advertising. WTF, dude? I'm sorry, I don't want to go 'shoppin at Joycie cos it's Tuesdee'. It's my birthDAY, not my birthdee. And I'm never going to your bowling alley if there's dozens of bogan kids running about with their hard-partying grandmas like your ad suggests. No chance. Changing the station back to Brisbane radio yesterday, whilst the hideous playlist seemed to remain unchanged, at least the voices managed to enunciate somewhat more palatably and in something that resembled English.

Now I'm no grammar nazi (OK that's a lie, I kinda am) but seriously people. If badly spoken people turn you on and make you open your wallet, then you've got bigger problems than I can help you with. That is all.

** This is not a complete list.

xx

Things that annoy me. Today's edition.

• 'This is my family' car stickers. I don't know where this fad started but I'm ending it. Now. I personally don't give a crap that you have two parents, three kids, a dog, 6 tropical fish, a teacup pig** and a partridge in a pear tree. Is this supposed to make me consider driving more carefully and NOT crash your car? Because it's making me feel like hitting the accelerator. Sorry. Not really. THIS is what you look like.

** I might consider not crashing into you if you have a teacup pig. That is all.

• The local Zaraffas who can't tell the difference between a cappuccino and a latte. When I say Grande Skinny Cappuccino, it generally means I want a Grande Skinny Cappuccino, not some asinine milky tasteless brew without the sacred chocolate powder. Funnily enough. It ain't rocket science people. Surely in your chosen profession you encounter enough cranky, caffeine deprived people to want to add another?
• Real estates that take up to 7 days to process my rent and then send me repeated texts threatening to 'breach' me for non-payment. Their solution? To pay 7 days ahead so there won't be an issue. Maybe I can get my work to pay me 7 days ahead to make your life easier? Sorry, if the money comes out of my account instantly, I've PAID, OK?
• Socks left in laundry sinks = flooded laundry. Fun times. Enough said

This is not a complete list.

xx