Decisions, decisions. Can one decision determine your life?

Call Me Sasha

Growing up is hard. We're still trying to figure out who we are, what we want and the elusive 'what do I want to be when I grow up' that pretty much every adult asks you from age 10 onwards. Meanwhile, scientists would have us believe that we're basically a hazard on legs, walking around with undeveloped brains, with decision-making skills that would make a mother (and school principals everywhere) cry.

I think they may be right.

As a teenager in Brisbane in the late 1980s, it was a snapshot in time that was kinda crazy. We were on the tail-end of a relatively innocent time in history; we had no Internet, no mobile phones and most of us had (waaaaayyyy) naive parents who would have been traumatised to know what their kids were ACTUALLY doing when they left the house. Expo '88 was a godsend for teenagers, giving us unprecedented freedom ('going to Expo mum') that was hard to take back when it finished. Meanwhile it was a perfectly acceptable tradition for parents to buy their underage daughters and friends a 6-pack of West Coast Coolers to share (with the mentality of 'well at least they're doing it at home'), completely unaware of the full bottle of rum and/or the ubiquitous rocket fuel (ie: mixing together a tiny bit of every bottle in your parents' liquor cabinet so they wouldn't notice the levels) that just about everyone else had managed to smuggle in.

(Cue madness. And much throwing up).

Clubs and pubs were a cinch to get into. I think my sister took me to the Surfers Beergarden for the first time at the tender age of 13 (she was a worldly 14) and it started a trend that didn't really stop for me until far too late in my 20's. Sure there were a few places that asked for ID, but that still left a plethora of places where bouncers were easily convinced that our heavily made-up 15 year old selves were in fact just a really youthful looking 19. Or if they knew, they simply didn't care. Unless there was a great party going on, I don't think I missed Saturday night at a club from the age of 16 onwards.

I guess I was a bit of a wild child, the 'bad girl', although the term is pretty relative. Back then, being 'bad' pretty much just consisted of going to clubs, wearing way too much eyeliner, drinking and smoking plain old cigarettes. Drugs were not part of our world at all; in fact the first time I think I even went to a party when the bong was produced would have been when I was at least 18 (and as someone who was so allergic to various grasses, I was terrified that I'd end up in hospital and my parents would bust me!). I was considered 'bad' mostly because in the sausage-factory era of the 1980s where we were all expected to dress in Country Road and look and act identical, my friends and I decided that wearing lots of black and going to seedy underground clubs was a much more fun prospect. Oddly, I saw more fights at places like Outrageous (aka Underagers) at the Paddo than I ever did in any of these random, dodgy places.

I was one of the lucky ones. Whilst my parents separated when I was 13 and my sister and I spent a great many years shuttling between our parents' houses on buses and trains, we sincerely loved it as it gave us a degree of freedom that perhaps we might not have had before. And both of my parents loved and wanted me. I grew up secure in the knowledge that my parents would do anything for me and that I was smart, safe and could do anything with my life that I wanted to. The worst thing my dad could ever do to me was say 'I'm disappointed in you'. He was (and still is) my rock and I always wanted him to think well of me. I had a great support system and feel so thankful for that.

Being a particularly angsty teenager, I of course thought I was ugly, hideously fat (if only I was as 'fat' as I was back then!) and always concerned with my popularity and likeability, which led me to do some pretty stupid things in the name of fitting in. Lots of bad decisions and many stupid actions...I was pretty damn lucky to come out unscathed.  However least on the inside it never occurred to me that I would not be a success. It was a given, and something that I will eternally thank my parents for.

Like I said, I was damn lucky.

So with this in mind, imagine if you didn't get the opportunities that I was fortunate enough to get. What if you didn't have the loving parents giving you the reassurance and internal strength to just KNOW that you're smart and worthwhile? What if you didn't get a lucky break or two, or those poor decisions that I made a million of come back to bite you on the ass?

It's something I've been thinking about all weekend and here's why: a few weeks ago my friend Kirsten posted on Facebook that a friend of hers, Geena Leigh, had written a memoir that had just been published. Kirsten had actually spent some time in her own teenage years living with Geena and her family and considers her to be like a sister.

I started reading Call Me Sasha (Secret Confessions of an Australian Callgirl) on Friday. I just couldn't put it down until I literally fell asleep with the lights on. I then spent a lost Saturday doing pretty much nothing but reading as I was so immersed in Geena's life. When I finally finished the book late Saturday afternoon, I felt a little bereft and lost; Geena had drawn me in to a point that I was so invested in her life that I just wanted to keep reading.

I read a lot. Like A LOT. My kindle goes everywhere in my handbag with me and I can often be caught walking through my work carpark with my head stuck in it and completely unaware of the world around me. I'm a total nerd. So while I'm not a book reviewer, I do know books. I know good books, and I know crappy books. And I also know that books that make you feel the way that Geena's does are really something special, and uncommon.

I think maybe part of it is that I could have known Geena. She's around my age, she went to Wavell State High School, where the majority of my 'circle' came from. Maybe we even met at some point. And yet she was going through difficulties that none of us, and perhaps not even the people who did know her, could comprehend. She lived in the same city as me and yet her path diverged so far from mine it took her decades to get back.

To read about Geena's life and the circumstances and the odd poor decision that led her to a life of prostitution  makes me wish I had known her and perhaps could have been a confidant or someone to help her when she needed it most. Because no-one was there. She had no support system, and grew to isolate herself as a consequence. She might have been me, if I'd been told I was a 'mental dwarf' every day growing up instead of being told that I was smart and loved.

Sometimes this book was hard to read. Not because of the sexual content, but the rawness, honesty and openness with which Geena relates her life story, with remarkably little self pity (and believe me, self pity is quite deserved!). I found myself willing Geena to make certain decisions throughout the book, but mostly I wanted to just reach out and give her a hug and tell her she was special.

Healing yourself from so many years of self-abuse, getting off the hamster wheel and breaking that cycle once and for all, not to mention forging a successful career outside of prostitution can't have been easy and it shows Geena's strength of character. I literally cheered when she (finally!) walked out for the very last time.


I can't imagine writing such a personal account of these incredibly traumatising experiences would have been something that Geena did easily. For her to lay bare (no pun intended!) her whole life, the good, bad and very, very ugly, and to not use a pseudonym is testament to how far she has come in her journey to find self-worth.

Geena may have taken a circuitous route, but she has found her purpose in life: to write beautiful words (even when recounting ugly stories) that inspire and give us hope, and to empower other young people to make better decisions.

She's a true survivor, in every sense.

Wow. Just wow.

Bec xx

Letter to my future self

Dear Really Old Me

A few months ago I started this blog and one of the first things I did was write a letter to our 16 year old self, the lost little soul that she/I/you was.

I advised her to stop letting fear hold her back, to not be afraid of just being her/we/us, and to stand up for herself. I also told her to go put on her black eyeliner and weird clothes, so if you disagree with this then we're gonna have some problems. Hopefully you'll still be the same cool, non-judgemental person who embraces the individual even though you're like, really, really old. I would be disappointed if you weren't still rocking the cats-eye on occasion, even if it might be a little wonky.

Then I thought I really wanted to capture the present and leave a legacy for future me (ie. you) to read one day when you might have eventually grown up (but of course, not, never old).

So it's 2012 and Elijah is turning 12 in July. Weird huh? To me it seems like yesterday that he was so little he would curl up on my chest like a koala but you're probably looking at a grown man who hopefully has grown up to be the amazing adult I catch glimpses of today. If not, then you can probably blame me for that. My bad.

So it's May 2012 and we're just about to pack up our lives and move to Toowoomba, do you remember that? I know that it's going to be an amazing decision and we're really excited about the new house/job/life we're going to create. I know you know how it all turns out, but don't tell...I am looking forward to the surprise.

Do you remember how I/we felt right now? That whole sense of being on the precipice of change, about to take a giant leap of faith and that anything could happen? The dread at the thought of having to pack/clean/move and the tiny, tiny but persistent sensation of fear that we might be making the wrong decision? What am I thinking, leaving a secure job of 7 years and a lovely place in Brisbane where I've spent more than half my life to up-sticks and move to somewhere I've never lived, where I know exactly one person? Am I insane?

I know you also know the answer to that one but keep it to yourself - I have a medical check coming up in less than 2 weeks and would like to be able to truthfully say I do not and have never required electromagnetic shock therapy.

For the last 20 days I've been doing a Happiness Challenge - do you remember that? I hope you do and that the lessons I and therefore you have learned over the past few weeks have been life-long. So much has happened in the last couple of weeks that just may be coincidental but somehow I think the timing has dovetailed nicely - my pursuit of happiness has suddenly snowballed into all these new actions that have gained a momentum all of their own. And whilst it's scary, is really exciting as well. I hope this letter finds future me to still be taking risks, going outside your comfort zone and being a rocking grandma who's still got it.

I would like to ask you if you/I ever master how to light a fire, as I really think this might be a necessary skill to add to our arsenal. And how the changes I'm making ultimately change our life course. But I guess I'll have to be patient and find out for myself, and hope I don't get burnt!

So life at the moment is pretty damned good. The world at large is obsessed with Ipads and smart phones and wireless technology which seem so cool to us but no doubt makes you laugh at our antiquated technology much as we currently do at the humble typewriter. Facebook has ruled our lives for several years now. The news is full of the latest federal budget and cost of living and trying to get our economy back to surplus after the GFC. We have our first female prime minister who sadly is more of a national joke than a leader, and I truly hope that in the future this won't deter smart, strong women from taking on leadership roles, nor the rest of us for voting for them. I'd hate to think at your age that you still haven't seen a second woman in the top job.

The Hunger Games is currently the new 'big thing', the movie is breaking all kinds of records and everyone is anxiously awaiting the second movie (and third). I/you are obsessed with our Kindle and have read all of the books three times and are about to go back for a fourth viewing. The Voice (Australian version) has been kicking ass with the ratings in its first season and Elijah and I have made this our 'thing' where we watch together and play judges. We also saw dad the other night who had to rush off to watch it too, so right now it's really nice to have a cool, fun show that transcends all age barriers...

At the time of writing this, Flo Rida's Whistle is top of the charts, which really isn't anything for 2012 to be proud of. One Direction have recently re-created 'Beatlemania' in Australia with their tour which is kind of creepy because they really, really look like little kids, even though most are over 18. Or is that me getting older? You'd probably slap me for that as clearly you're much older than me. But there is something seriously wrong with women in their 20s salivating over a bloke who may be over the age of consent but genuinely looks about 14.

So Cathy and I and a bunch of others are planning a trip to New York next year for our combined 40th birthdays which I'll be madly saving up for when I hit Toowoomba. This will all be old news to you but do you remember how exciting it is to be planning our first overseas trip as an adult? I hope you, future me, have made your way around the globe a bunch of times by now as that's something the younger me should have done when you/she/me was still young enough to think it's cool to stay in crap places without decent amenities.

So future me, I hope this letter finds you in good health with a filthy sense of humour and not wearing some sort of futuristic shiny silver suit like in the movies. Just because we're moving forward and making new discoveries every day doesn't mean you're allowed to throw good taste completely out of the window. I promise to start taking better care of present me to give you the opportunity to enjoy all the good things and to put the life lessons I/we are learning every day into practice.

Stay cool. I'd say see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya, but that would be difficult, under the circumstances.

Love, present me (aka you).

xx

Happiness. Date Night. The Hunger Games and more Ninjago...Day 16

So day 16 of my challenge is upon me and I am happy that it's crazy!

I just got home from date night with my son after what has been the most excellent of days and a brilliant beginning to a long weekend.

So let the gratitudes begin!

Gratitudes:

• I am so grateful to be finally making some headway on my Toowoomba Project. We visited the police station today to lock up my son submit my police certificate request so that is now out of the way. I've been also making lots of lists of things that I still need to do so whilst there's heaps there I'm feeling much better organised and like I have some direction. Small blessings. I get my boxes from dad on Monday so packing and sorting will begin in earnest then.
• I say this a lot but Elijah is quite simply the light of my life. He has the craziest sense of humour and is forever running into me to tell me this nutty story or that...he has me in stitches daily and is turning into a right little character. Me being me completely encourage him to embrace his nuttiness individuality and made him go and change out of his boring blue shirt into his fangs one. His enthusiasm for our move is making me even more excited. I think if he was really against moving I would seriously reconsider as he's quite a wise little soul underneath that crazy persona.
• Lastly I am grateful just simply for the most perfect day. We woke up reasonably early and went and had breakfast, haircuts, did a bit of shopping and then came home for a lovely relaxing afternoon followed by date night. Everything was just perfect.

Journal:
So I surprised E tonight with tickets to see The Hunger Games. We saw it a few weeks ago and loved it, but I was so focused on matching the movie to the book and trying to remember what came next, and REALLY REALLY hoping it wouldn't suck to watch it in detail. I felt kind of like a third party observer rather than getting absorbed in it. So I really wanted to see it again to just really sink into it and WATCH.

And it was even better the second time around. Going in knowing it was going to be good allowed me to really get into it and appreciate the nuances of which the movie is full of. I know all the critics have said this, but Jennifer Lawrence is quite simply brilliant. She has captured the spirit of Katniss and played her with depth and feeling, I really don't think any other actress could have topped her performance. She WAS Katniss. I'm a big fan of a fabulous strong female character (see previous Scarlett O'Hara admiration post), and no-one who's read the books can doubt this woman is one. However, I was really afraid whoever won the role would just play her as a straight out badass without really capturing the emotional backstory that brought her there in the first place. Watching her quite literally shaking in her boots just as she was entering the games was worth the price of admission.

I cannot recommend this movie or the book highly enough. If you haven't read or seen it yet, then what are you waiting for? I've asked E to write his own review on the movie and I will post this as a comparison to mine (I'm sure his will contain an overuse of the word 'RAD' - just saying).

Check out the link to Amazon at the bottom of the page if you want to get your hands on a copy - I promise you'll be just as hooked as I am. Just a hint, the second book is even better than the first and you CANNOT imagine how much I'm anticipating that movie!

Random act of kindness:
There's been a few today and all centre around E. I just love to surprise and delight him because he gets so excited and it's just infectious. We went browsing through Toyworld and of course Ninjago was the hot topic of the day (for the uninitiated, see my post I don't speak boy). Some of the spinners, whatever they are, were on sale for half price so I let E get one. We had to toss a coin as he couldn't decide between two, and don't ask me what they were due to the language difficulties experienced when speaking Ninjago (all I hear is blah blah blah). Crazy how a $9 item can make you feel like the best mum in the world. I followed this up with his favourite breakfast and then The Hunger Games tonight, so all in all, my son has gone to sleep with the biggest smile on his face and his parting words of 'this was the best day ever'. Job done.

Meditation:
I am either getting better or worse at this, I always fall asleep during the process but am sleeping so well lately that I'm clearly very relaxed. And despite the millions of things running through my head of all the things I have to do (two weeks...eek!) and the copious quantities of caffeine I consume right before bed, it doesn't seem to stop me from dozing off really quickly. So despite the niggling feeling that I'm doing it all wrong, I'm pretty cool with it all.

Please let me know what you thought of The Hunger Games! I am pretty damn obsessed with this series and despite having read the trilogy three times now am already itching for a fourth go-around. I can't decide if I'm on Team Peeta or Team Gale. Obviously Gale is Thor's bro, and seriously hot, but then again he's dating Miley Cyrus so there's your downside right there. Peeta on the other hand is kinda dorky but so sweet without being sickly that he's kinda winning me over too. Torn.

Twilight who?

Would love to hear your thoughts on the books, how they compare to the movie, did you love, hate or meh?

xx

Date Night - The Hunger Games

Currently.

I wrote a 'currently' post recently and really loved writing it. I got the idea from Danielle Hampton's Sometimes Sweet and thought after everything that has happened, it was great timing to reflect and write another.

Reading: The 19th Element by John L Becker. I've mentioned before the brilliant Amazon Top 100 free titles list that I stumbled onto. I am trying to save money for what is proving to be an expensive move so this list is a complete godsend. I've read quite a few 'freebies' and make it a point to regularly check back for new titles so there's always something in the queue. I'm reading-obsessed and get an awful feeling if I don't have something new on hand to sink my teeth into. And some of these books are great! Because they're free, I download them no matter what genre (except for cookbooks, overtly Christian titles or those aimed at 5 year olds - anything else is fair game). The best part about this is that I get to read things I would never usually pick up or buy. And some of them are fantastic.

The 19th Element is much heavier fare than I would usually choose, centred around an ex-government spy who makes a connection between certain events to detect a nuclear terrorist threat. I'm surprised that I've been riveted by it, it's well written and the storyline is pretty gripping. I'm about 85% of the way through so just at the really exciting part where I can't quite tell how it's going to end.

Thinking about: my immiment move. I've been working on my Toowoomba Project book and have ticked off a couple more items and started a wishlist which contains some realistic items and some not-so-realistic ones! I've come to believe that you have to get out there and create your ideal life and I am going to be embracing a lot of change once I move 'up the mountain'. Thoroughly excited - stay tuned.

Loving: E's and my 'his and hers' haircuts we got this morning. We're on a strict budget and I can no longer afford my expensive hairdresser but luckily have discovered a great girl at a local cheapie place who did our hair this morning. It's no frills but the cuts seem decent and the price is right - so it's a good win. I've had quite a bit of length taken off and it feels weird to run my fingers through. I keep forgetting it's the length I usually wear it - it's just grown so quickly lately. Love that feeling of freshly washed hair, too, it smells delicious.

Eating: I took E out for breakfast this morning at 'our place' at Chermside Shopping Centre. We haven't been there in a while but with only two weeks left in Brisbane I thought it only fitting to give it a 'last meal' as residents of Brisbane. It's lovely to have a place where the girl at the counter sings out 'the usual?' as we walk up (the 'usual' being their heavenly thick toast, hash browns and cappuccino for me, hot chocolate with marshmallows for E). I am taking special note to really take notice of and enjoy these 'lasts' we're experiencing.

Watching: The Vampire Diaries. I'm way too old for this show but Ian Somerhalder, seriously? How could I not? I love that it's like a mini-movie in each episode, there is no 'filler' time and there's at least 2 dramatic 'game-changing' events per episode. I love it.

Anticipating: a visit from my dad and stepmother on Monday. They're in town for a few days and since their move to Tenterfield I don't get to see them nearly as often as I'd like. They run a motel so time off together is really rare. One of the wonderful things about moving to Toowoomba is that I will only be 1.5 hours away from them, makes a visit that much more manageable. I am so close to my dad and the relationship he shares with E, his oldest grandson, is something that almost brings tears to my eyes. My son is my father's 'mini-me', they are so alike in looks and mannerisms that it's quite eerie. And his grandma of course spoils him rotten as only a grandma can. Grandma is famous for her 'jellybean jar', a huge, foot-high glass jar of beans that gets raided constantly throughout visits and huge handfuls taken for the ride home. Sugar overload much?

Enjoying: the most glorious Brisbane autumn day. It's about 25 degrees, hardly a cloud in the sky and so beautiful. After a hectic morning, I've spent the afternoon sitting on my balcony soaking up some vitamin D and reading my kindle. It's cool out but the sun is gorgeous. Once I move to a house I'll have to mow lawns and do things on weekends so taking advantage of this restful time, the lull before the storm, if you will. Fingers crossed this weather continues throughout the long weekend, it is lovely to have 2 more days to look forward to.

So what are you plans this weekend? Hope you're having as lovely day as I am. I would love to read about what you're up to. Meanwhile you can laugh or cry at our before and after hair shots below!

xx