However I then got a phone call from a friend whose mother has recently passed away. Her father has asked her to perform the eulogy and she really can't get out of it.
The problem is, her mum was really, well, mean. I'm not going to go into detail, but suffice it to say my friend is struggling to come up with more than 'good manners' as a positive point.
She was asking me for advice as she's at a complete loss. She doesn't want to lie however her truthful recollections of her mother are unfortunately not for public consumption and certainly do not fit in with the usual theme of 'don't speak ill' of the deceased variety.
I'm in alien territory here for a number of reasons. Firstly I've never had to give a eulogy, this would be a difficult enough task at the best of times. And secondly, when my mother passed away I was devastated. I was only 18 and whilst in typical rebellious teenage fashion didn't have the easiest relationship with my mother, I absolutely adored her and could espouse a million positive things to say about her. She wasn't perfect but she loved me and I loved her and I miss her to this day. And now that I'm a mum myself I catch myself saying certain things and thinking, 'oh my God, I've turned into my mother!' And much as it would have horrified me as a teenager, I'm now proud to say that if I have, then I'm OK with that because she was a vibrant, giving, beautiful woman and a loyal friend and any comparisons to her would be welcomed.
So I was at a bit of a loss of what to say to my friend who clearly does not have the same recollections. In the end, I advised her to perhaps not lie outright, but to be selective of the truths which she decides to share. I suggested that she perhaps get in contact with her mother's friends and focus on a story or stories from them to show her mother in a positive light. To focus on the fact that the good manners her mother was so focused on are now being passed onto her grandchild.
After we hung up the phone I couldn't stop thinking about it. I googled "Definition of Eulogy" and found the following answers at dictionary.com:
1. a speech or writing in praise of a person or thing, especially a set oration in honour of a deceased person.
2. high praise or commendation
Hmm, no help there.
I also googled "Eulogy for a Mean Person" which yielded exactly ONE result. Luckily this article actually offered some useful tips on how to deliver an appropriate yet truthful eulogy under such difficult circumstances.
Apparently it is quite acceptable to simply give a factual account of one's life, ie. born here, raised there, schooled there, married X, etc etc.
However I am now left feeling a little sad and empty. How awful that someone has to actually ask a friend how to write a eulogy for someone who has left a legacy of hurt and devastation behind. How awful that my friend has that hurt and devastation to bear. How sad a life where those left behind struggle to find positive things to say about you.
I would like to hope that when I'm gone people will not have to scrape the barrel to come up with anything nice to say about me. How sad if someone has to read a list of facts instead of eulogising on how I added something positive and meaningful to their lives, without lying through their teeth. I don't want to be remembered as a saint, however I would like to think that it wouldn't be that hard to remember me for being a decent person.
It made me reflect on my legacy. I'd like to thing I'm a warm, caring person, a fiercely loyal friend, a loving mother, a flawed and imperfect human being but one who tried hard and always meant well. Someone who stood up for my beliefs and whose word you could count on. Someone who made an impression on somebody, somewhere.
Deep stuff.
So instead of my meaningless babble of the day, I leave you with this. Do you have any advice for my friend? How would you like to be remembered?
xx
5 comments:
Wow Bec, I wish I knew about your blog sooner.
Eulogy: I think factual is perfectly appropriate. She could also ask one of her mother's friends to come up and give an additional eulogy: something from those who knew and loved her that would take the pressure off her having to bear it all herself.
You never know, her mother's friends could become a source of wisdom and support from an unexpected place.
J
This friend might also read what you wrote and realise that things weren't so bad. Seeing stuff in "print" sometimes makes people re-evaluate their initial thoughts. Surely it wasn't all bad and there were moments of joy one could focus on. Perhaps once the initial raw emotions subside she as suggested might see her mother from a different perspective.
Pat
It's so true about seeing things in print, isn't it? I often 'write my feelings' but when read a few days later my perspective has changed and I am able see the situation in a new way. It can be a very cathartic thing to do, it gets all that hurt, anger and emotion out which somehow then let's me find some acceptance or peace.
Bec, this might be too late for your friend, but there is a great author Byron Katie who gets people to turn around thier thoughts to offer them new perspective on thougths that they might have had for years.... http://www.thework.com/thework.php
Don't know if this helps, but it might.
I'll definitely pass on the recommendation, personally I'm keen to read this myself, I'll be checking it out thanks!
Bec
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